.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

6/27/2003

Question of the Day

Q: Describe your Dream house.

Weekend Plans?

Jerry called me this morning and said "Hey what do you think about taking the boat out to the river for the day tomorrow?" I'd love to say "Sure let's do it!" But unfortunately, I have to think about things a little more than that and ask questions. I've been really tired lately and sleeping in tomorrow was part of my game plan. Also, if were going to move we need to start going through shit to have one kick ass yard sale. The river isn't exactly near by either, it's at least a 3 hour drive one way. That means, we'd have to leave at like 5 am to get a decent spot on the beach. Then we'd have to drive home another 3 hours after being in the sun and skiing all day with 2 kids. I love being spontaneous and I love the fact that Jerry's spontaneous, but some things just need a little more thought. I might go for it if we camp overnight somewhere. I guess you'll have to wait until Monday to see.

6/26/2003

Question of the Day

Q: What is the worst movie you've ever watched? (This is kind of a public service so we don't waste our time watching a really bad movie.)

Tijuana

Jerry and I, along with the kids, Jerry's Daughter and her loser boyfriend and his daughter, all went to go look at a few more houses last night.

The first house was just GROSS. I looks like it was (at one time) a pretty nice house. But you can tell that animals have lived there for years. It stunk, the carpet was gross, and there is dirt on the walls. I just couldn't imagine how anyone could live like that. It was just NASTY! This is all on top of the yard that needs a major make over. We decided that this house just wasn't worth the time and money.

The second house we went to look at was immaculate. Just a beautiful home. It was built in 1979. The same owners have lived there the entire time and have kept it looking like the day that it was built. This is a 3 bedroom 2 bath on 1/2 acre. The kitchen was on the small side. But I could live with it. The main thing that turned us away from the house is there is no access to the back other than from the side yard. But that would be too narrow to get the 5th Wheel, and the camper back there. Which really sucks, because I would of just loved this house with all the fruit trees in the back. OH well.

Jerry wanted to show his daughter the house we looked at the other day and get her opinion. So we hauled every to the other house just before it got dark. They really liked the house. We couldn't go in, since it was locked up, but just from seeing the exterior and the yard, they really liked it. So that made us lean a little closer to deciding.

We showed them Tijuana. That's what we've decided to call the neighbors. We discussed putting up a wood fence that would run to the back of the property line, then putting up Oleanders the rest of the way. I think that would work.

We drove down the street to check out the rest of the block again and when passing by Tijuana, we noticed they had two Catering Trucks. You know the trucks that carry a bunch of junk food that go to construction sites to sell the junk food to the workers. Yup..A.K.A...The Roach Coach. Which in this case is much more appropriate. The word "Catering" is very loosely used to describe a Catering Truck in my opinion. It's not like they actually prepare the food. It's all prepackaged. We decided that this must be their business.

Next time we go to the house, I'll take a few pictures of Tijuana so you could see how bad it really is. I was thinking however, that if we buy this house, I'm sure it'll give me a ton of great blogging material just from Tijuana alone.

6/25/2003

Question of the Day

Q: What is your most embarrassing drunken moment?

Drunk Stories Are Always The Best Aren't They?

It's been a while since I've told a funny story so I think it's about time. But shit I've got writers block. I know there is probably a hundred funny stories from my life to tell you about. Especially from someone who's been drunk as many times as I have. There's got to be some memory locked far away in my brain of one of my embarrassing or outrageous drunk moments. So why can't I think of any? Maybe it's because I was so drunk, I don't remember. Or only have partial memory.

OH I know! I had a request for the story about when I gave my hair dryer a blow job from Indigo Steve. I think I'll tell that one.

Ok...I was 17 at the Bon Ton truck run in Bakersfield. What the hell is a truck run? I used to hang out with a Mini Truck Club. It was basically a bunch of guys who fixed up their trucks. Lowered them, got cool paint jobs, bumpin stereos, etc. Anything they could do to customize their truck, they spent all their extra money on. So we would go once a month to a truck run. Which is a car show/party usually held at a fair ground or regional park over a weekend starting on Friday night.

I always went with a girlfriend who's parents would say they were chaperoning, but never came with us. And my boyfriend was a member of the Truck Club. I swear, my parents were so naive and trusting. The fools! All I did was get drunk off my ass during the night and spent the day trying to get rid of my hangover so I could repeat the previous night.

Bon Ton is the truck run that I discovered Bacardi 151. This is what I remember of one of the nights (which isn't much). Then I will tell you what I was told I did. (Some of it hard to believe). I remember the Mom of the President of the Truck Club would always come and party with us. She made us dinner one night. Steak! Well, I proceeded to wash it down with 4 wine coolers. Now, me being a novice drinker at the time, 4 wine coolers in about an hour and a half was a lot. For some reason I got sick. I remember sitting on the grass and puking between my legs and it ran down to my crotch. I think my cousin was there with me and helped me to the shower and got me cleaned up and changed. After that, I felt much better and was ready to party some more.

My cousin and I decided to take a walk and check things out (I think). I remember there was a group of guys from another truck club I think she was friends with, and introduced me to them. They had Bacardi 151. I said "Hook me up!" They gave me a shot (or two) and I downed it like a pro! I decided to walk some more and I remember a monster truck with some guys contemplating on how the hell they were going to get down since they were up there getting wasted. I talked to them, but I don't remember what was said, other than they wanted me to climb up and party with them. At this point, I knew that just wasn't possible.

Some members from the Truck Club I came with found me wondering around. I'm not sure if my cousin hung back with her friends or if she was with me. But this is where I stop remembering shit! This is what I was told. And I think most of it's true. But there is one thing that I don't think could be possible. So.... I was told that they took me back to our campsite where they had a plastic kiddie pool. They put a lawn chair in the middle of the filled pool, and sat me on the chair. Then they proceeded to saran wrap me to the chair. Knowing me, I fought like a crazy woman and from all my thrashing around, tipped over in the pool. Now, I'm not sure if this was before or after they tried to saran wrap me to a pole. But I was making a lot of noise in protest.

The saran wrapping the drunkest person in our group is a tradition. And some one always gets saran wrapped each night of a truck run. Unfortunately, it was my turn this night. Well, after tipping over in the pool, they unwrapped me and let me go. I somehow found my hair dryer (yes this is where the hair dryer b.j. comes in) and dried my hair. I just remember waking up in the morning, hung over and dehydrated as hell and I was really annoyed by some chick who kept laughing. I think she was stoned because she never stopped. That day I was told that I was sucking on my hair dryer the night before. Which I didn't think was possible because I would of burned my mouth on the hot metal. They had a few people in on it I think, to confirm what I was told. But I don't believe them.

6/24/2003

Sorry for the long question.

Question of the Day

Q: So say you were in my position and you found a house that has just about everything you want, but needs some work, and the neighbors are really trashy. You've looked around, but can't find anything else that is decent in your price range that has a half an acre or more. Do you jump on it or pass ? One more thing.. you're in the process of re-financing your home at the same time. You haven't done the paperwork, but if you go through with it, you'll have almost 4 grand added to your current loan from the re-finance fees. If you buy the house, you won't lose that equity and you can use that to put down on the new home. If you re-finance, you wont be buying anything for a couple of years, so it's do it now or wait a few years in a house that is too small.

To Move or not to Move that is the Question
(Not the Question of the day)

At 4:45 pm yesterday I get a call from Jerry. He's totally excited because he found "THE" house. He's been driving right past it for the past few months and never noticed it. He's seen the "For Sale" sign, but never really looked because the neighbors are pretty much trashy. And when I say trashy, I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.

I don't know if the neighbors on the right of the house are white or hispanic, but it appears as if there are several totally run down trailers on the property that people actually live in. Plus there is shit all over the yard. It really looks like a junkyard. The neighbors on the other side don't look nearly as bad, but the house doesn't look well maintained at all. That house is pretty much run down.

Now the house Jerry is looking at sits on an acre lot. The house is pretty far back from the street with a few big trees in the front yard. That's why he's missed it all this time. He calls me up yesterday all giddy because of the land and the garage this house has. The driveway goes all the way to the back of the house to the 4 car garage. That's right....a really big garage! Every guys dream! Plus all the concrete will make it easy to maneuver his big ass truck with the 5th Wheel. There is more than enough room for all of his toys. Which is what he's always wanted. It would be nice not to struggle to park the boat, the camper or the 5th Wheel. He also like the fact that right in the back of the property is the hills. There is no one behind us, just hills. So we can ride our quads in the hills right from the back yard. The house is a little over 1,700 square feet. It has 3 bedrooms (2 of them are big enough to be the Master bedroom) and 2 bathrooms.

There are a lot of Pro's and Cons about this house. I figured I'd just list them and see how it balances out.

Pro --------- Con
1 acre lot ------- Trashy Neighbors
Larger house ------- No Grass
4 car garage ------- Needs new carpet
Hills in back ------- Will have to landscape
Kids will have a lot of room to play ------- No kids for them to play with
Walk-in closet ------- Further away from Work and School
Not in the city ------- Livestock next door
Fenced Yard ------ (I swear if I hear a pig or chicken being killed I’ll be livid!)
Can plant a garden ------- Larger house payment
Big car port ------- Needs new counter tops
Close to Freeway ------- Needs new closet doors
Very large pantry ------- Will take a lot of money to fix up
Closer to Jerry’s family ------- Flies (Lots and lots of them)
Room for all of Jerry’s Toys ------- Garage doors needs painting
Newer home -------


There are a few more Pro’s than Con’s that I can come up with. But the neighbor thing, I’m totally stuck on. To me that is a HUGE con. I’m kind of stuck on that. So this would lead to the question of the day. Maybe you guys can help me out…

6/23/2003

Ex update

Being the scandalous evil bitch that I am, and since nobody seems to care that Fuckhead wrote $31,000 in bad checks on a closed account, I decided to go on the FBI's website and write them a nice little letter explaining what he did and all the proof that I have, etc. Apparantly they are interested and someone from the FBI gave me a call this morning. They will now be doing an investigation on the matter. (insert evil laugh here).

Oh yah, one more thing.... Fuckhead was kind enough to give me $50 after Jerry went over to his house with me.

Adventures in Boating

We got to take the boat out yesterday. The weather sucked, but I still dragged my kids and my sister with us and made them suffer. One comment about the weather we’ve been having lately: This is supposed to be Sunny Southern California and we’ve had weeks of June gloom. I mean it’s almost July and I don’t think it ever reached 75 yesterday. Now with that said…. It was cold, but the water was warm. In fact, I would of preferred to have been in the water for most of the day.

The 15-mile drive to the lake was an adventure in it’s self. We have to drive though a canyon to get to the lake. One of the seats on the boat flew out of the boat in the canyon. There really isn’t a lot of places to pull over. A turnout here and there and that’s about it. The freeway through the canyon is 2 lanes on both sides, separated by a concrete wall divider. It’s miles before you can turn around and by then, the seat would be totally demolished if we didn’t get to it quickly. About ½ mile down the road after we saw the seat cover had blow out of the boat, Jerry pulled over and ran down the freeway and recovered the seat. Luckily, it had landed on the side of the road. He firmly put it back into place and decided that maybe he was driving a little too fast and should slow down a bit.

Jerry had slowed from 85 to 75mph. Keep in mind, we're towing a 21 foot boat and passing everyone on the freeway! We go about 3 more miles before the seat flies out again. This time, we had reached the flat lands, so it wasn’t as bad to pull over. But this time the seat lands in the middle of the lane. Jerry pulls over immediately and runs down the middle of the lane waving his arms, nearly causing an accident. Meanwhile, I’m in the truck with my kids and my sister and we are all shitting our pants watching Jerry running down the middle of the freeway. A car runs over the seat, but it’s only minimally damaged. Jerry grabs the seat and comes back, but this time puts the seat in the truck with us. I couldn’t believe that he would do that. I didn’t find it very funny, but he sure did. He’s sooo crazy!

We finally made it to the lake and launched the boat. The boat rides so nice in the lake and it’s fast. We were catching air over the waves and spent the day knee boarding. I wanted to attempt to water-ski. So we busted out the skis. I almost made it up on my fourth try, but ate it as soon as I got up. Knee boarding was much easier. I was able to get on my knees, and stay there on my third try. Jerry impressed us all with his skiing skills and Jerry’s friend Jason attempted to tryout some tricks on the knee board. The kids has a great time just riding in the boat. Everyone else we pussys and didn’t want to get in the water because they would be cold when they got out. I say..stop your complaining and get your ass in the water gawddamnit!

Question of the Day

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?

6/20/2003

Go White Girl, Go White Girl, Go White Girl


I am about as white as they come. Not quite an Albino, but pretty freakin close. Thank God for Sunless Tanning Lotions. I think I've used just about every one that is on the market. I was teased so bad in school for my blinding white skin before the discovery of the Sunless Tanners.

Friends would ask me, "Why don't you just get a Tan?” I still get asked that question. And my reply is always the same, "I can't tan. I don't have the pigmentation in my skin to tan." I've tried everything to tan. I've laid out for 15 minutes a day to get a gradual tan. I tried every SPF under 15 to see if that would work. I've tried every SPF over 15 too. I've fried myself with Baby Oil and I've tried Tanning Bed and Tanning Accelerators. Nothing worked to bring out a natural bronze to my skin. So my last resort is obviously the Sunless Tanners.

There are pro’s and cons to the Sunless Tanners. One of the biggest pros is that I don’t have to bake in the sun to get a tan, so I’m less at risk for skin cancer. And also because I’m in the sun less, and can douse my body in SPF 1,000,000 sunscreen, I won’t age as fast as most of you will. I’ll be going to my 20 year High School Reunion barely aged and look at you all that used to make fun of me for not being tan and laugh because you look old enough to by my mom.



Question of the Day
Q: What Celebrity(s) did you have a crush on as a teenager?

6/19/2003

Question of the Day
Q: How did you find out about blogging?

Hate

Hate is something I just don't think I'm capable of. I get lied to daily by my ex, but I don't hate him. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the bastard at all, but I certainly don't wish him to be suddenly killed in a car accident, or any of his manly parts dismembered. I'd love to kick him right in the balls however. That would bring me some sweet and sweet pleasure. For all that he's done to me in the past 11 years, I don't hate him. And no one in my life has betrayed me as much as him.

Another example would be that I was backstapped in a bad, bad way yesterday. Not by my ex, but by someone that used to be his friend. Now, I haven't really talked to this person in a long time, but when I have talked to him, he acts as if we're friends. I know this person pretty well and I know how he is. So what happened didn't surprise me one bit. What did he do you ask? He told Jerry one of my deepest, darkest secret. A secret that I knew could be very detrimental to my relationship if Jerry were to ever find out. One of those skeletons that is buried way back in the closet, covered up by all other stuff and forgotten about. I'll call this guy Dickweed (since Fuckhead is already taken by the ex).

What was that? Oh! How did Dickweed know about this secret? Well, it's something I did when I was married to my ex. I know, the perfect image you had of me is probably now shattered. I am not perfect. Not even close. I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life and all of Fuckheads friends know about it as well as his family and mine. I haven't even told one of my best friends about what happened because I am so ashamed about it. It's one of those things that if you could take back, you would.

Because I'm not capable of hate, I don't hate myself for it, but I am very disappointed that I could be so weak. Well, this secret was let out of Dickweeds piece of shit mouth yesterday to Jerry. I was waiting for the day for this to happen. And yesterday was it. I knew something was wrong when Jerry didn't call me at lunch. Nor did he send me his usual loving text messages throughout the day. And when I called, he never returned any of my phone calls. I knew what had happened and I was trying to prepare for the consequences. But something like this, you can't prepare for, you just have to deal with it when it comes. Luckily, Jerry loves me enough to work through this. I hurt him for keeping this from him and lying about it. He knew a little about it, but not everything. Not even close. He was understandably, very upset when he found out my secret from someone else.

I am a different person now and I know what I did in the past was so very, very wrong. I love Jerry. He is the person I can see myself with for the rest of my life. We don't have a perfect relationship, but nobody does. But the things that are wrong in our relationship are fixable. There is way more good about our relationship than there is wrong, and I know now that our love for each other is strong enough to work through anything if we can get though this. Sorry guys, this girl is taken!

6/18/2003

Fuckhead of an Ex Husband

I’ve told you all about all the bad checks my ex wrote to the casino. If you wanna catch up click here. If not, then don’t click here.click here. Anyways, I want the bastard arrested. I found out the other day that the amount is actually more than I had originally thought, he owes $31,000, not $20,000. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not usually this conniving, but I just can’t believe that this has been going on for as long as it has. Hell, it started in November! To me, this is as bad as robbing a bank. Only the dumb ass actually signed his name to an entire checkbook of checks.

Since my name was on the account, I of course, don’t want this all coming back on me. So I’m doing what I can to clear my name and to have his ass put in jail where he belongs. I’ve called Telechecks, The Bank, The Police Dept., The Casino, and the company contracted by the Casino that hands out the cash. Nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I just can’t fucking believe it! If he would of gone into a bank and handed them a note asking for $30,000 cash, he would have been arrested on the spot. Just because he wrote checks from a closed account and actually provided them with a valid ID card (because he doesn’t have a drivers license) and signed his name to a check, they aren’t doing anything about it but sending him notices in the mail. Unfuckingbelievable! If my name hadn’t been on the account, I could care less. But there is no way in hell I’m letting this come back on me. I need to protect my ass.

So I’m having the bank mail me the last statement from the account which will show the date the account was closed. The bank closed the account themselves. I’m assuming for inactivity because I never knew about it until recently and I have no idea if fuckhead ever used the account until he wrote the checks to the Casino. Fuckhead claims that he’s making payments on this, blah, blah, blah…but I know him better than that and all that pours out of his mouth is nothing but a bunch of shit anyways. He’s been telling me for the last 6 months that he’s going to give me money this week or that week. I haven’t seen a freakin penny from him.

I haven’t wrote about him in a while because I really don’t want to fill my blog up with hate. I’d rather have it filled with funny and entertaining stories about my life. But I’m so flippen frustrated and pissed that I can’t see straight right now. I feel better now. Thanks for reading!

Question of the Day
Q: What was the worst job you've ever had?

6/17/2003

OMG we just had an EARTHQUAKE how fun! I wonder how big it was.

Last Weekend

I never did my weekend highlights so I guess there’s no time like the present.


Friday: Hell, I don’t remember what we did. So it must not of been exciting enough to blog about.

Saturday: Went to watch Jerry’s nephew’s play in a few baseball games. Then we went to my parent’s house and did some hanging with them since my grandpa came to stay the weekend. My grandpa’s sisters were there too. We were told a head of time that they were going to order Chinese food. So of course I said…Fortune Cookies! Jerry said…”You better not start that, IN BED thing”. I wasn’t the one who started it last time. I think it was my aunt.

We’re sitting at the table eating our delicious Chinese Food when the phone rings. I get up and answer the phone and it was my aunt. Yah, the one who started the IN BED thing last time. I tell you what, I think she had ESP about the Chinese Food. She asked what we were up to and I told her we were eating Chinese Food and there are Fortune Cookies! So she says…”IN BED”! I start laughing and say “YUP!” After I hung up with her, of course I had to tell them what she said. My sister explained to my Great Aunt’s (who by the way are well into their 70’s) about the “IN BED” game. So we all played after we were done eating. I told Jerry “I didn’t start that one, it was my aunt again”! heehee, I’m such a brat.

Sunday: Since it was Father’s Day and I’m not a total complete bitch, I let my ex have the kids a day early. Wasn’t that nice of me? Yah, I think so.

Jerry got a call last week saying that they are going to release hold the boat from bankruptcy that he has a bid on and that it the price came in right at what he wanted to spend. Jerry wanted to drive out to Long Beach again to look at the boat to check it out again. That took most of the day. Later we met up with my parents, sister and grandpa for Father’s Day dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory. Jerry’s daughter (who is only 10 years younger than me) joined us with her loser boyfriend. We don’t like him. We had a nice dinner; a few bottles of wine then went home and crashed. Here's a pic of the boat, if you're interested. If not, don't look.






Question of the Day

Q: If you could be any super hero, who would it be and why?

6/16/2003

Question of the Day
I'm starting a question of the day. I think it'll be fun!

Q: What celebrity(s) have you been told you look like?

Apparently, I have a Moderate Potty Mouth. Tell me something I didn't already know!


How much of a pottymouth are you?

Blogger Gear


So I noticed that Blogger has some T-Shirts, Sweatshirts and other stuff. You can't blame them for trying to make some extra cash. So it made me think, since I am in marketing, about some slogans that might work for them.

~ Blogger, maybe your shit will get posted. Maybe not.
~ Blogger... As addictive as Crack!
~ I'm a Blogging Slut!
~ Blogging Queen
~ Blogger. Confess the stuff you never want your parents to find out about.
~ Blogger. Sounds like Frogger.
~ Blogger. I blog more than I work.
~ Powered by Blogger.

Now, Blogger, if you read this, you can't use any of these without paying me some hard cold cash! I wanna peice of the action too!

Oh this is just lovely. Someone found my site by doing a search for "Porn with a girl named April". Wonderful! I wonder if it was my dad?

6/13/2003

How Did You Find My Site?


I know most of you found me via. links from other bloggers. But others have found me from searches by Yahoo or Google. Here are some of my favorites searches:

~ Shit Her Pants
~ Hate Telecheck
~ she kicked him in the nut sack in high school cafeteria
~ glamis boobs
~ grandma's true sex stories
~ boobs sandrails
~ pic of glamis dunes girls

And I'm sure the person searching for The Lion King Pantageous Theatre got a real shock when they clicked on my link and found my website. I wonder how much time they spent here reading about the girl who shit her pants?

Tell me about some of the searches you've had.

Chinese Proverbs

I just got this in an email and thought that it went well with yesterdays posting. I'm sure it goes against blogging rules since it's not my original thoughts but I thought it was worth sharing.

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6/12/2003

Chinese Fortune

I've been with my family for the past couple of days, trying to deal with the loss of my grandmother. I just came home for one day to go to work and get things taken care of there so I could take the next three days off. Luckily I get three days of Bereavement time so I don't have to use my vacation days for this. It's been a very emotional ordeal and I thank God for my family. They all are so awesome. But it just goes to show what kind of family my grandparents built. We are an example of them. I am very fortunate that we all can stand to be in the same room as each other. I know there are many, many families that aren't like that. Well, here's my family:




Aren't they awesome! This was taken at Thanksgiving. We all stay at my Grandparent's house and it's like having a big sleep over and is always so much fun. Every year we do a family pic at Thanksgiving. A few years ago we started doing one serious and one funny.

Yesterday was the funeral. It was a beautiful service and it reflected upon who my grandma was and what a great life she had. Everybody was given the chance to stand up and say a few words about my grandmother. After everybody who said what they wanted to say I told the Minister that I had a letter that I wanted to share with everyone that I wrote to my grandmother. I read the letter from Monday's Posting. Only I'm sure it's much more meaningful when being read at a funeral and is said with love and emotion. After I was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. People walked up to me and said "Well done." And my family was so proud of me for putting into words what we all felt. The letter wasn't just about me and my feelings but it was really what my entire family feels.

Yes it's been hard, but we have also been able to laugh a little. We got Chinese takeout one night and after we ate, we all took turns opening our fortune cookies adding the words IN BED after the fortune. I need to go back to this Chinese food place just for their fortunes, because I can't remember laughing so hard. I think they made these fortune cookies just to add IN BED after you read it since they were so fitting. Here a few I can remember.

~ You will be successful in acquiring a new position.......IN BED.
~ An old friend will soon call upon you....IN BED.
~ You will soon experience many pleasures......IN BED.
~ You are about to embark upon a new, exciting journey....IN BED.
~ Many new opportunities await you....IN BED.
~ Your work is appreciated by others....IN BED.

6/09/2003

In Loving Memory




Cora M. Heard


July 21, 1921 to June 6, 2003



Dear Grandma,

There are so many things that I want to tell you in this letter. I’m not writing it because there are things that weren’t said while you were here, I know that you knew you are loved dearly. I’m writing this because I miss you so very much and I feel that you are with me in spirit so you’ll be able to hear this.

I miss spending the night at your house and waking up in the morning to see you sitting in your chair by the window watching the birds that you’ve put food out for. I miss your hugs throughout the day and the sense of comfort and love that came with each one. I’ll definitely miss your cooking. You were such an awesome cook and I know that my cooking skills (even though they are not so awesome, but good) came from watching you prepare meals throughout my life. I also miss hearing you say “Come on baby, it’s time to go to bed” to your dog as your walking down the hall on the way to the bedroom. I think I’ll miss you most during our family get-togethers in the summer and at Thanksgiving. It just won’t be the same without you there.

The past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. When I found out you were emitted into the hospital, I was very worried about you. I had a trip planned with Jerry to go to the river and considered canceling it to be with you. But after speaking with my mom, she reassured me that you would be ok. She said you just have a bad case of phenomena (so they think, but they weren’t really sure what it was). I called you everyday from the river to check up on you and to make sure that you knew how worried I was and that I love you. I regret my trip, because I would have been able to have seen you in the hospital and talked with you longer and I would have been able to kiss and hug you and hold your hand. But I am thankful that I was able to talk to you and let you know how I felt before you weren’t able to talk anymore.

You have been such an amazing influence on my life. I am so incredibly fortunate to have been part of the family you and grandpa built together. My happiest days (other than the birth of my children) are our family get-togethers. You are the heart of our family, and our heart has been broken. I just can’t believe you are now gone. There is now a void in my heart that will never be filled. But I know that you are in a better place, and one day, I’ll see you there.

Lots of love. Your Granddaughter,

April

6/05/2003

Don't Drink and Drive.... You Might Spill It!


I’ve had more than my fair share of “Drunken Stoopers” in my 12 years of drinking. Some of them I’ve been told about because I was passed out and didn’t realize what I had done. Such as giving my hair dryer a blow job. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I’ve also had parties at my parents house that I don’t remember because I passed out before they even started. I guess that’s what happens when you raide your parents liquor cabinet and start doing shots at 6:30 pm. And we all know that nobody shows up to a party until at least 9 or 10. (Of course we replaced the contents......with water heehee).

I woke up after one of these parties around 2 am, started to come downstairs, but then saw a small piece of tin foil right at the top of the stairs. I picked it up and opened it. Inside was a small piece of paper with a peace sign on it. I decided that I should probably flush that down the toilet.

I then made my way downstairs and noticed a white residue on my parents glass table. I was like WTF! And who the hell are these people that I have never seen before. Well, my friends that I invited, invited their friends who invited their friends who invited their friends. Next thing you know, I have a house full of people that came from god-knows-where and did god-knows-what in my parents house while I was passed out! Then I find my friend Tonya passed out on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom and I was told that my friend Becca was given chopped up Smarties Candies to snort and was told that it was coke.

I’ve thrown up a ton of alcohol. Luckily I have never shit my pants during the process. Though I must admit I have wet myself while puking from the force of it coming up. I have also puked on myself on more than one occasion.

I came home onetime from going out with my friend who drug me to a country bar. I am totally not into country. But next thing you know, they have $1 Alabama Slammer specials and this guy must of bought me 5 or 6 on top of the Kamikazes and beers that I drank earlier. I remember going to the bathroom to pee for the thousandth time, but this time I must have taken longer than usual. So my friend comes in to find me. She asks a girl who was washing her hands “Have you seen a blonde girl named April who’s wearing a pink sweater in here?” I’m in the stall taking a piss and hear her ask this. So I instantly reply “Hey! My name is April, I’m blonde and wearing a pink sweater!” I’m soooo smart!

My friend now has to take me home. She had only been there once before, and that was to pick me up. So now she has to find the way back. I just about got us lost, because I was suddenly having a memory loss of who I was, what my name is, what city I live in, what country I live in or even the fact that I’m on the planet earth. I told her a few wrong turns then said…No that’s not it, turn here…. No that’s not it, turn here.. until I finally got the street right. Thank god she knew the general vicinity of where we were going.

She finally finds my apartment and drops me off in the back. I get out and go into my neighbors apartment saying “Whasssss Uppppppp?!” Luckily they were still up. I think they were total tweakers. My (ex) husband (but husband at the time) comes over and gets me and puts me to bed. I’m laying there and everything around me starts spinning and I’m mumbling in a foreign language that only I can understand “Get me off this mary-go-round quick!” Then I roll my head over to the side and puke all over my hair and the bed. He carries me to the bathroom, and I’m still puking. He just threw me in the bathtub since by that time, the toilet was useless and I couldn’t hold myself up anyways. I continue to puke all over myself while he tries to wash me off (with my clothes on) in the shower. I don’t remember much after that other than I had the worst hangover the next day. Good Times!

Of course I probably said “I’M NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN!” Over and over and over again that night and the next day. But I always say that when I puke. And I always drink again.

I can probably tell you story after story after story about times I’ve overdone it on the alcohol. But that would take too much time and I know that there are quite a few stories that I’m not proud of. Not that I’m really proud of anything I do when I binge drink, but I know that it’s something that we all can relate to.

6/04/2003

To get out of my slump......
Sex Ed


I learned about sex at an early age. I remember looking through the pages of my Dad's Playboy magazine, and I also remember my Dad's extensive porn collection on Beta (remember beta?). There was one Porn that was all commercials for sex stuff. I'll never forget the jingle "Try New Twinkle Twat" then there's a girl laying out naked by the pool and she says "You'll like it!" then a guy is swimming comes up to the edge and says "I like it". Me, my sister and my cousin still laugh about it. There was also a commercial for a beave wig. So if you weren't really a natural blonde and your partner didn't know that, you could put this wig on your beave for the color you want it to be. Ingenius product.

I think it was 8th grade when I took my first Sex Ed class. We learned about the different types of VD's and the teacher explained about ways to contact VD's through sexual intercourse. We even got to see pictures! But I got a little confused when they showed us the picture of the guy with a VD on his chin. To me, that was a little confusing. I couldn't understand how a guy could get a Venereal Disease on his chin. So, being the naive 13 year old blonde that I was, I raised my hand and asked the teacher "If it's a Venereal disease, how did that guy get it on his chin"?

The class broke out into laughter, as did my teacher. He told me that that's something I'm going to have to figure out on my own. Then a few seconds later the light went on in my head and I said "OHHHHHHH".

Just after I turned 15, my Dad decided it was time to have "The Talk" with me. I wasn't really comfortable discussing sex with my Dad. I couldn't understand why my Mom couldn't have the talk with me. I mean, she's the one who was there for me when I got my period, so why couldn't she give me "The Talk". I guess, since my Dad won awards in Toastmasters, that he would be better at "The Talk" than my mom would. I don't remember exactly what my Dad said to me, and obviously I wasn't listening since I lost my virginity a few months later. I do remember him saying that you have sex with someone you love and it's best to wait for marriage until you do the deed. Now I'm thinking..Is that why he enjoys looking at Playboy and Porn?

6/03/2003

I Think I'm Depressed


I'm usually a very happy person. I'm always chipper at work and quick to make a smart ass remark to a fellow co-worker. I'm usually very talkative and social. I work for a mall, and know a lot of people here. I try to make my social rounds at least once a day. I don't think I've ever been really depressed before. Sure I've had bad days, but I've always come out of it pretty quickly, regardless of what's going on in my life. I think that right now I have so much on my plate, that I can't come out of my bad mood. This is why I think I have depression:

~ It's hard to make me smile. Typically I'm easily amused.

~ I just want to sleep. I don't want to wake up in the morning, and I just want to go to bed when I get home from work.

~ I'm super emotional. The slightest bit of criticism or any kind of sad new on TV will bring me to tears.

~ I can't stop eating these damn Circus Animal cookies. You know the kind that has a pink or white frosting with sprinkle specks.

~ I don't want to go out into the mall at all. I don't feel like bullshitting with anybody.


I totally need to snap out of it because I'm not fun anymore.

Thank God for Jerry, my kids and my family. Jerry has been awesome in dealing with my moodiness lately. We went to bed early last night and just laid together naked and he held me then made love to me then held me some more. I totally needed that. Hell, I'm tearing up just thinking about how much that meant to me. He bought steaks for dinner last night and I wasn't hungry. He just said, "We'll have them tomorrow, let's go to bed so I can hold you". And he went to bed with me without eating too. He decided around 9:00 that he was hungry, so he asked me if I'd like a fruit smoothie. Something light was exactly what I needed and the smoothie was really good.

Even though we went to bed early last night, I still had a very hard time getting up this morning. I wish I has a machine like the Jetsons where the bed tilts up and puts you on a conveyer that brushes your teeth for you, gives you a shower, dresses you, does your hair and makeup, fixes you breakfast then rolls you to your car where it drives you to work. How awesome would that be?

6/02/2003

Irony at it's Finest


Thursday I write a blog about the bad things I did in the Church in my neighborhood, then low and behold I find myself there on Sunday for service! WTF? I think someone is trying to tell me something, I dunno.

I went to Bakersfield to be with my family this weekend since my Grandma is in the Hospital. It was fun and emotionally draining at the same time. I always look forward to spending time with my family. And it was nice that we could all come together in a time like this.

I arrived at 7:30 pm Friday night with Jerry, the kids and my Dad. We decided that it would probably be too late to visit my Grandma by the time we got to the hospital, so we just hung-out and visited for the rest of the evening and called it an early night.

My sister was with her last boyfriend for over 5 years. They even lived together, and were never allowed to sleep in the same bed when they visited my Grandparents. Jerry and I have only been together for 4 months, and we got to sleep in the same bed. heehee. And it was soooo sexy to mess around with our clothes on under the covers in the middle of the living room where our bed was set up.

Saturday, it was so so so so hard to see my Grandma sedated and struggling to breathe. Her heart rate was at 140 beats per minute. I stroked her hair and talked to her a little and told her that I love her, but I don't know if she could hear me. My other family members were waiting to see her and I didn't know what else to say, so I left after a few minutes. I wanted to kiss her forehead and hug her, but that was just about impossible with all the tubes and hoses coming out of her body.

The best part about Saturday was the surprise we got when my cousin Lisa showed up unexpectedly. She lives in Florida and none of us were expecting her. My Uncle Don and Cousin Amanda came in and said their Hello's. Then we get a phone call from Lisa. My Aunt Kathy was talking to her and thought she had lost her connection so she went into the back yard to see if that would help. Then Lisa comes in through the front door and we all thought that we were seeing a ghost. It was definitely like those MasterCard commercials.... Bus trip from Florida to New Orleans....$150...... Round Trip Plane Ticket from New Orleans to Sacramento, California ....... $575......... Surprising your family with an unexpected visit.....Priceless. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Sunday we called the Hospital before we went to Church. They gave us good news that my Grandma's heart rate was down to 85 beats per minute, so we all felt much better about that.

My parents are friends with the Pastor for the Church that I mentioned earlier. And since we all needed a lot of prayer for my Grandma we decided to go to that Church. The Church hasn't changed much. I looked at the doors that we used to break into with a butter knife. We went into the Chapel where we threw the confetti, and they were even serving lunch afterwards in the cafeteria. When you entered the Church, you could smell the food cooking. Oh the memories. The service was weird. Definitely different than what I'm comfortable with. But I did enjoy the message that the Pastor gave. He's a cool guy. All I could think was, nobody had better come and lay their hands on my forehead unless they wanna get my fist in their nose.

After Church, we went to the hospital to see my Grandma. She looked so peaceful. She was breathing normally, without struggling. I was able to walk out of the ICU unit without crying. It was still hard to see her and talk to her and not even know if she can hear me or know that I was there for her.

We got home last night and I was emotionally drained. I put the kids to bed, then laid in bed with Jerry and just lost it. All my emotions had finally caught up with me and I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I woke up this morning and realized that I had left my glasses in Bakersfield and my eyes were so swollen and burning from crying so much, that I couldn't put my contacts in. I helped Jerry with his lunch, then went back to bed. I got up and got my daughter ready for school and called her Nana (my ex's mom) to have her come pick up my daughter and take her to school. I'm so blind, if I wouldn't of made it out of the neighborhood without hitting something or someone and wrecking the car. After the kids were gone, I called work and told them I might not make it in, then I went back to sleep. I woke up around 11:30 this morning. Put the ice packs on my eyes until the swelling went down enough to where I didn't look like an alien from Mars, and came to work around 1:30.

My boss was very surprised to see me. I filled her in with was had been going on with my Grandma and how upset I am about the whole situation. Luckily I have a very understanding boss and she is very sympathetic with what I'm going through. Jerry is concerned that I'm going to lose my job from taking so much time off. But hell, I have Vacation Days that I can still take and it's not like I'm calling in sick because I have a hangover, plus, I'm getting my work done, so as far as I'm concerned, I have nothing to worry about. As long as I keep my boss informed, it's all good.