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You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.


Don't Drink and Drive.... You Might Spill It!

I’ve had more than my fair share of “Drunken Stoopers” in my 12 years of drinking. Some of them I’ve been told about because I was passed out and didn’t realize what I had done. Such as giving my hair dryer a blow job. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I’ve also had parties at my parents house that I don’t remember because I passed out before they even started. I guess that’s what happens when you raide your parents liquor cabinet and start doing shots at 6:30 pm. And we all know that nobody shows up to a party until at least 9 or 10. (Of course we replaced the contents......with water heehee).

I woke up after one of these parties around 2 am, started to come downstairs, but then saw a small piece of tin foil right at the top of the stairs. I picked it up and opened it. Inside was a small piece of paper with a peace sign on it. I decided that I should probably flush that down the toilet.

I then made my way downstairs and noticed a white residue on my parents glass table. I was like WTF! And who the hell are these people that I have never seen before. Well, my friends that I invited, invited their friends who invited their friends who invited their friends. Next thing you know, I have a house full of people that came from god-knows-where and did god-knows-what in my parents house while I was passed out! Then I find my friend Tonya passed out on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom and I was told that my friend Becca was given chopped up Smarties Candies to snort and was told that it was coke.

I’ve thrown up a ton of alcohol. Luckily I have never shit my pants during the process. Though I must admit I have wet myself while puking from the force of it coming up. I have also puked on myself on more than one occasion.

I came home onetime from going out with my friend who drug me to a country bar. I am totally not into country. But next thing you know, they have $1 Alabama Slammer specials and this guy must of bought me 5 or 6 on top of the Kamikazes and beers that I drank earlier. I remember going to the bathroom to pee for the thousandth time, but this time I must have taken longer than usual. So my friend comes in to find me. She asks a girl who was washing her hands “Have you seen a blonde girl named April who’s wearing a pink sweater in here?” I’m in the stall taking a piss and hear her ask this. So I instantly reply “Hey! My name is April, I’m blonde and wearing a pink sweater!” I’m soooo smart!

My friend now has to take me home. She had only been there once before, and that was to pick me up. So now she has to find the way back. I just about got us lost, because I was suddenly having a memory loss of who I was, what my name is, what city I live in, what country I live in or even the fact that I’m on the planet earth. I told her a few wrong turns then said…No that’s not it, turn here…. No that’s not it, turn here.. until I finally got the street right. Thank god she knew the general vicinity of where we were going.

She finally finds my apartment and drops me off in the back. I get out and go into my neighbors apartment saying “Whasssss Uppppppp?!” Luckily they were still up. I think they were total tweakers. My (ex) husband (but husband at the time) comes over and gets me and puts me to bed. I’m laying there and everything around me starts spinning and I’m mumbling in a foreign language that only I can understand “Get me off this mary-go-round quick!” Then I roll my head over to the side and puke all over my hair and the bed. He carries me to the bathroom, and I’m still puking. He just threw me in the bathtub since by that time, the toilet was useless and I couldn’t hold myself up anyways. I continue to puke all over myself while he tries to wash me off (with my clothes on) in the shower. I don’t remember much after that other than I had the worst hangover the next day. Good Times!

Of course I probably said “I’M NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN!” Over and over and over again that night and the next day. But I always say that when I puke. And I always drink again.

I can probably tell you story after story after story about times I’ve overdone it on the alcohol. But that would take too much time and I know that there are quite a few stories that I’m not proud of. Not that I’m really proud of anything I do when I binge drink, but I know that it’s something that we all can relate to.


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