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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

6/19/2003

Hate

Hate is something I just don't think I'm capable of. I get lied to daily by my ex, but I don't hate him. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the bastard at all, but I certainly don't wish him to be suddenly killed in a car accident, or any of his manly parts dismembered. I'd love to kick him right in the balls however. That would bring me some sweet and sweet pleasure. For all that he's done to me in the past 11 years, I don't hate him. And no one in my life has betrayed me as much as him.

Another example would be that I was backstapped in a bad, bad way yesterday. Not by my ex, but by someone that used to be his friend. Now, I haven't really talked to this person in a long time, but when I have talked to him, he acts as if we're friends. I know this person pretty well and I know how he is. So what happened didn't surprise me one bit. What did he do you ask? He told Jerry one of my deepest, darkest secret. A secret that I knew could be very detrimental to my relationship if Jerry were to ever find out. One of those skeletons that is buried way back in the closet, covered up by all other stuff and forgotten about. I'll call this guy Dickweed (since Fuckhead is already taken by the ex).

What was that? Oh! How did Dickweed know about this secret? Well, it's something I did when I was married to my ex. I know, the perfect image you had of me is probably now shattered. I am not perfect. Not even close. I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life and all of Fuckheads friends know about it as well as his family and mine. I haven't even told one of my best friends about what happened because I am so ashamed about it. It's one of those things that if you could take back, you would.

Because I'm not capable of hate, I don't hate myself for it, but I am very disappointed that I could be so weak. Well, this secret was let out of Dickweeds piece of shit mouth yesterday to Jerry. I was waiting for the day for this to happen. And yesterday was it. I knew something was wrong when Jerry didn't call me at lunch. Nor did he send me his usual loving text messages throughout the day. And when I called, he never returned any of my phone calls. I knew what had happened and I was trying to prepare for the consequences. But something like this, you can't prepare for, you just have to deal with it when it comes. Luckily, Jerry loves me enough to work through this. I hurt him for keeping this from him and lying about it. He knew a little about it, but not everything. Not even close. He was understandably, very upset when he found out my secret from someone else.

I am a different person now and I know what I did in the past was so very, very wrong. I love Jerry. He is the person I can see myself with for the rest of my life. We don't have a perfect relationship, but nobody does. But the things that are wrong in our relationship are fixable. There is way more good about our relationship than there is wrong, and I know now that our love for each other is strong enough to work through anything if we can get though this. Sorry guys, this girl is taken!

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