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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

7/14/2003

Rollercoaster of Love

My relationship with Jerry is definitely a rollercoaster. We have our up’s and we have our down’s. And when we’re up, we’re really up high. And when we’re down, we’re down pretty low. Yesterday, I jumped off the rollercoaster and moved on to another ride. I thought I was done. And Mom and Dad are always there for me no matter what. I just hated to have to go back home. But I love my parents and have always had a great relationship with them. They are my parents! And just like all parents should, they have unconditioal love for their children.

My parents were out of town when I arrived at their house with the kids and a car load of stuff. Luckily my sister was home and had just taken an energy pill. We had the office cleared out and ready for me to put my stuff in it in no time. I called my parents on their cell phone and told them what happened. Here’s my first conversation with my mom:

Me: “Hi mom, I’m going to be living with you for a while, Jerry and I broke up”. .
Mom (with absolutely no surprise in her voice) : “Oh, Ok”.
Me (surprised she wasn’t surprised) : “Well, don’t you want to know what happened”?
Mom: “We’ll talk about it later, me and your dad are in the middle of checking into the hotel”.

Within an hour, my mom called to get the scoop.

Mom: "Ok, I can talk now, so tell me what happened?"

Me: “Me, Jerry and the kids were at the stream and the kids feet were dirty and we were about to leave so I washed off C’s feet first, and put his socks and shoes on. Then I did B’s feet. We walked up to the truck and I noticed C wasn’t with Jerry. So I asked Jerry where he was at. He said “With you.” And I said “No he’s not.” Then it went back and forth a few more times and I was getting frustrated and then Jerry says to me “You’re such an idiot, he’s on the other side of the tree”.

Like how the hell was I supposed to know C was on the other side of the tree? I couldn’t see him and he was being quiet! C is NEVER quiet unless he’s a sleep!”

Well, our fight just escalated from there. I didn’t appreciate being called an Idiot because I was concerned where my son was at. I’m sick of the fighting. We’ve been fighting so much lately and when we get into a big one, we make up and everything is awesome for a few days, then it goes right back to the fighting.”

Mom: “Well, we’ll just have to make room for you and the kids. Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll figure it out”.

Then my dad calls like 10 minutes later.

Dad: “Why don’t you move everything out of the downstairs bedroom and put it in the dining room. We’ll just make that into the office for now.”

Me: “Cool, because I’ve already started using that closet.”

Then my mom calls like 10 minutes later (my dad wasn’t in the room).

Mom: “What are you going to do with Sophie (my cat)?”

Me: “I haven’t thought about it, but would you mind if I brought her over?”

Mom: “Well, your dad is a little more strict about this issue than I am, and I have no problem with you bringing Sophie over”.

Me: “Thanks Mom, maybe her and Mopsy (my mom’s dog) will be friends! Her and Bruster (Jerry’s dog) are like best friends now. She’s a really good cat.”

Mom: “I know. It’s no problem, we’ll just do it and not tell your dad”.

I think my mom was just excited about the fact that there will be a cat in the house. My mom has always had cats until her last one disappeared suddenly. My mom had that cat for over 10 years and was really heart broken when she couldn’t find her. She did everything possible to get that cat back. We think she got sick and just died somewhere, or the Coyotes might of got her. But we don’t want to think about that.

Anyways, back to my life…..

I realized that I had left some stuff at Jerry’s that I needed. So I got my sister and the kids to go with me over there to get it and I figured while we were there, I might as well load up the car with more stuff.

I called him on the way to let him know that I was coming to get some more stuff and he wasn’t happy that I was bringing my sister with me because he wanted to talk about what happened. Then he started with the “I love you, I don’t want to lose you” stuff. Sometimes I feel as though he’s just happy to have somebody in his life. Somebody that he’s attracted to, and that keeps him company. He swears it’s more than that, but I don’t know sometimes. I can’t understand how he could be with someone that he’s constantly fighting with. This isn’t the way I want to spend my life.

So when we got there, Jerry asked that my sister and the kids wait outside for us so we can talk. We talked about the fight and what happened and how it escalated. I let him know (again) that I don’t appreciate being called an idiot or any other name. I’m not a name caller. I just don’t do it, until it’s done to me.

We talked for a while, and he convinced me not to take anything else other than what I needed. He wanted me to go get my stuff and come back. But, I wasn’t ready to do that just yet. I’m still not sure today if that’s what I want to do. We’ve been together for 6 months and the honeymoons been over for a few months now. Pretty much as soon as I moved in. I’m contemplating on what I should do.

Jerry wants me to come home and either go to counseling so we learn how to fight nice plus read some self help books, and start going to church. He’s willing to do anything to make our relationship work. I feel like it shouldn’t be this much work so early in our relationship. Moving in with him so soon was probably one of our biggest mistakes. But I was going through some major financial hardships at the time and couldn’t afford to stay where I was at. Moving in with him got me back on my feet. But it’s also put a huge strain on our relationship.

We have similar personalities and I think that is another factor into our fighting. We are both leaders but he has a more dominant personality and I have a hard time dealing with that. He’s the nagging wife, not me.

So now, I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth giving it another try with counseling, etc. or if we should just move our separate ways. If I didn’t love him and have hopes and dreams about what our future could be like it wouldn’t be so hard. In fact, it would be a no brainer. But the fact remains that I have very strong feelings for this person. He has a lot of qualities that most guys don’t have. I know I’ll never have to worry about him cheating on me. That just would never happen and I’m very confident about that.

I know not every relationship is perfect. Mine is far from it. I’m not little miss innocent either. If I feel I’m being demeaned in anyway, I snap back. And that’s how Jerry is too. It doesn’t work for us. Sometimes I read more into it than what is there. So that doesn’t help things. I don’t respond well to criticism. I get defensive when I feel like I’m being criticized. I just can’t help it sometimes. Maybe counseling will be good for us. I’m soooo confused! I need to call Dr. Laura!

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