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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

9/30/2003

KEEPING IT TOGETHER

I’m trying so hard to be strong. And I was doing a pretty good job until I came home yesterday and my parents wanted to talk to me about what happened. Apparently, my mom had called Jerry yesterday to get his side of the story. He confirmed most of what I told my parents but made it sound like I just freaked out on him. I did freak out on him, he was restraining me! That FREAKS ME OUT!!!! My ex-husband used to do that to me and I can’t handle it. Then he drives me to a remote location where nobody can see or hear us. YES I WAS FREAKED OUT!!!! And YES I FOUGHT BACK!!!

I swear if someone were ever to kidnap me or try to rape me or anything bad like that, I don’t have it in me to just lay there and let it happen, I’m a fighter. When my sister and I were kids and we got into a fight, I would never back down even though I knew she could kick my ass. It’s not in my personality to go down without a fight.

Anyways, so my dad basically told me he didn’t want me moving in just yet. That I could stay there, and by the weekend we’d talk about what I was going to do. He also thought that I over reacted in calling the cops on Jerry because he could lose everything and he didn’t think it was fair of me to do that to him.

I told my dad (crying almost hysterically at that point out of disbelief and hurt) that Jerry had no right to take me anywhere but home. All he had to do was take me home and everything would have been ok. But no, he had to basically keep me prisoner and fight with me and keep me from leaving. I just wanted to get away from him. And the more he kept me from getting away from him, the more I fought with him to get away. I was scared.

My mom was much more understanding and said she would have been scared too. She was supportive and loving. My dad said that I probably got too emotional and over reacted. I cried for most of the night and it really sucked because I got to see the kids for the first time in a week and I was a complete emotional wreck. I was able to hold it together enough to help them with their homework.

Thank god my sister came home shortly after my talk with my parents. She always makes me laugh. She was there helping me help the kids with their homework and her and my son started singing this song “A is for Apple, B is for Banana, C is for Cat” well they got to “P is for Purse” and when ever I’m around my sister, and the word Purse comes up, I have to repeat it but hold my tongue so it sounds like “puss”. Well, I thought I did it indiscreetly, but my son saw me and imitated what I did. My sister and I were laughing so hard, she started farting and rolled off the bed. I started crying, not because I was sad, but because I was laughing so hard. I really needed that. Then my daughter was like “What’s so funny?” I just said “Oh, your brother made us laugh then Laurie started farting when she was laughing and that made us laugh even harder”.

Jerry just called me this morning while I’m writing this blog entry, and I’m already emotional enough. He said he couldn’t understand why I’m being so mean to him. The thing is I HAVE TO! If I don’t give him the cold shoulder, I’m going to end up falling for him again. I know that’s not what’s best for me or the kids. I’m really trying to stay strong and keep it together. But after I hung up on him, I broke down. The only one I’ve told about what’s happened here at the office is Bobbie. She sits next to me and saw me start crying after I hung up with Jerry. She came over and tried to console me and brought me some tissue. I’m so lucky to be surrounded my people that love and care for me. And I’m very grateful for all of your kind words and support. Lord knows I really need it!

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