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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

9/04/2003

My Conscious Is Eating Away At Me

A few years ago I lost one of my best friends. I did something to her that is totally unforgivable and I feel like complete shit about it. She hates me now, and I know that if I were her, I’d feel the same way about me too. I’ve thought about writing her a letter, telling her how sorry I am and how I miss her friendship. But, I chicken out.

I have dreams about her all the time. The dreams are never the same. Sometimes, we’re friends again, other times, she hates me. And what makes it worse is that she lives right down the street from my ex and I pass by her house all the time. Not only that, she works at a bank on the property of the mall I work for. The same bank I used to go to all the time, until she started working there.

I’ve run into her on several occasions. It’s such a small world. One time she was in the same club as me in Vegas. Another time, she was at the same bar that I was at. I was with a date that time and we were at the bar closing out the tab and she came up behind me and grabbed me by the back of my hair and called me a fucking bitch. As I was about to turn around to defend myself, the bartender grabbed me an pulled me behind the bar as my date got in-between us so she couldn’t attack me anymore. Then her husband ran up and socked my date square in the face. Luckily my date worked for INS and was used to being hit all the time. I felt awful about it, but he took it like a pro.

I went to the ATM today at her bank and the only parking space was the one right across from her car. All I could think about was what if she comes out of the bank at the same time I was there? What would I say to her or what would I do if I saw her? I hate confrontation when I know that I’m at fault. I’m a coward that way. But I also feel as though I really need to apologize. I don’t know if it will make a difference or not, but at least I know that I said what needed to be said.

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