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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

10/31/2003

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!

Today is one of my favorite days! I love Halloween. I love to dress up in cute costumes for work. I love the fact that I get to judge the Halloween Costume Contest for all the employees that dressed up in the mall. And I LOVE getting my kids all dressed up and taking them Trick-Or-Treating. It’s so much fun.

Last year, I let my ex-husband tag along with us. It was a nightmare. We fought the entire time. He brought a 12 pack of beer with him to drink while the kids were Trick-Or-Treating. I was so pissed off at him for doing that. So this year, he’s NOT ALLOWED to come with us. My sister will come instead. She’ll be much more fun.

Hopefully it doesn’t rain tonight. The weather people are predicting rain for tonight. That would just ruin Trick-Or-Treating. But we have a back up plan, just in case. My daughter wants to go Trick-Or-Treating with her best friend an their family. I guess they are having a Halloween Party tonight after Trick-Or-Treating. I’m sure that’ll be a lot of fun. They are partiers.

Last night I went to watch Survivor over at some friend’s house. These are the friends that used to be friends with Fuck Head and I when we were married. The same friends that were at the party on Saturday. Well, Rob used to work with Jerry. So what does he do? He brings up Jerry last night. I kind of blew it off, but after I got home, I started crying because I miss him so much. Then I called my sister crying (who was still at their house) and told her to tell Rob that he sucks for bringing up Jerry. I think it mostly was because I’m jealous of what Rob and Vicky have and that I thought I had someone to share my life with and now I have to start looking all over again. Also they have an amazing house. The realtor that Jerry and I were using to look for a house called yesterday and left me a message about a brand new 3bdrm home that was being built of ¾ of an acre. I know if Jerry and I were still together, we would seriously consider buying it. It was right in our price range.

I had hope and dreams about spending my life with him. And I know we would of really had a lot of fun together. He is really everything I was looking for. Why the hell did he half to go and ruin it by have a fucked up temper? That is the only thing that has messed up our relationship. I know not everyone is perfect and we all have our issues. Lord knows I have mine. But that is a major issue that I can’t live with.

10/29/2003

I've got some bitching to do.

Dear Blogger,

Apparently other people can see my website, but me. I know it's not my server because I've been able to access other blogs and other website. So, what the fuck is up? I was really excited to share my Halloween Pics with everybody and now I can't see their comments. Please fix this problem in a hurry.

Sincerely,

April

THE MOMENT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

See what you all missed out on! Enjoy!

10/28/2003

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Today my divorce was finally finalized! I can’t tell you what a relief this was. I went to court this morning and of course fuck head didn’t show up. So I got my way. I could have been mean. I could have been vindictive. I could of went for full custody and reamed him for child support. But I was more than fair and extremely nice about the situation and gave him 50% custody. I was granted child support based upon his potential earnings from when he was working construction. The way it works is, the more I have the kids, the more money he would have to pay me. Also, he is required to pay child support even with 50/50 custody, because he has made more money than me during our marriage. Now, I’m not getting a huge chunk of change, but what I will get will certainly make a difference and help me out a whole lot. I’m happy with the results.

So I get to work around 10:15 this morning and our Public Safety dispatch officer calls me and asks me what kind of car I drive. After I tell her and ask why, she says that I have a flat tire. A Public Safety officer comes to my office and takes me out to my car and shows me the flat. I called one of my maintenance guys to put the spare on for me. After he was finished, he came in and told me that somebody has slashed my tire! I called dispatch and told her that my tire was slashed. She then tells me that they noticed a group of kids in that area of the parking lot and sent the Public Safety officer out to check on the cars when he noticed that my tire was flat. They will be checking the videotape tonight to see if they can see the kids who did it In the mean time, I have to buy a new tire. That really sucks!

UP IN FLAMES

The past week has got to be one of the most depressing times of my life. I can’t tell you how much my heart is breaking watching my community, my mountains, people’s homes and their possessions just gone. What concerns me most is the San Bernardino Forest. The same forest Jerry, the kids and I went camping at just months ago. The ecological damage that is being done will be devastating. I feel so helpless watching the mountains burn. I keep thinking about people’s homes and the wildlife’s homes that are now gone. Where will all the wildlife live? It’s just so depressing. I’m asking anyone who reads this to please say a prayer for all of the fires to stop. God Bless.

10/27/2003

DANCIN’ QUEEN

First I have to start out by saying that Southern California is on fire and it’s scary. Even though where I live isn’t being directly affected, I work in San Bernardino. This too is my community. I work for one of the largest business in San Bernardino. And because I’m in marketing for the mall here, we’re going to do our best to raise money or take clothing donations or other donations to help the families who have lost their homes in our community. My heart goes out to every single one of them. People I work with have been evacuated, two of them may of lost their homes.

Now on to happier things, because I know you’re dying to hear about my most fabulous weekend.

This weekend consisted of:

· Two nights of dancing my ass off. Which resulted in many days of my legs being sore from so much dancing.
· Two nights of massive alcohol consumption, which included several shots of tequila. (I can’t believe I didn’t puke either night).
· Hanging with really fun friends.
· One crazy Halloween party. (Saturday night) Stay tuned for pictures, which will hopefully be posted tomorrow.
· Many guys dressed as various types of women. I’m talkin’ Cheerleaders, Hula Girls, Drag Queens, and White Trash Girl.
· One girl dressed as a guy. Have you ever heard of John Holmes?
· Many people falling down drunk.
· Girl on girl on girl dancing.
· Making up with old friends.
· Losing part of my costume.
· Table dancing.
· Brick wall dancing.
· Plotting to throw the people that didn’t come in costume in the pool.
· Getting talked out of throwing the people in the pool for showing up without their costumes.
· Doing more shots when I really shouldn’t of.
· Spinning on the floor. Somehow, I came out of it and danced it off.
· Dancing “Pulp Fiction” style with Brother Tom. (Which my sister and I are now calling him.)
· Meeting one of Jerry’s ex-girlfriends (from 12 years ago) and getting an earful.
· Laughing so hard (probably at my sister who was falling down drunk) I almost peed on myself.
· Two nights of staying out until past 3 am.
· One day of recovery from two nights of partying.

Pictures to be up tomorrow, so stay tuned

10/23/2003

INTERNET DATING 101

Welcome class, to April’s School of Internet Dating. I would consider myself to be an expert on meeting people online. (Which says nothing about my judge of character or my lack of ability to pick partners in my life). Anyways, there are guidelines that I personally recommend if you date people that you meet from the Internet.

1. Chat with the person for a few days preferably by Instant Message (IM) or email. Try to feel him/her out and see if you’re compatible. I HIGHLY recommend having a good picture of yourself stored on your hard drive, so you can exchange pictures, if you haven’t done so already. If the guys wants to automatically have cyber sex, chances are, he’s married with 10 kids and when he meets you, he wants to have real sex just wants to get into your panties. So I strongly advise you to not go out with these kind of guys.


2. When you feel comfortable enough, talk on the phone for a few days. It’s hard to get how a person really is by IM. So it’s best to talk for a few days before actually meeting. GUYS: You wouldn’t want to date a chick that sounds like a dude would you? Because she may actually be a she!


3. The absolute best way to first meet someone from the internet, is if at all possible, meet in a public restaurant during your lunch hour. This is the perfect way to see if the person is attractive, has the personality of a rock, is a loser, has bad hygiene, or wears plaid polyester pants with a multi-colored striped shirt. This also gives you a good out if you don’t like him/her, because you have to go back to work. Then you can choose whether or not you want to see this person after work for a more real date-like setting.


4. If meeting during your lunch hour is just not possible, then resort to plan B. Always, Always, Always meet in public for the first time. It’s much safer this way. You never know if the guy or girl is a psychopathic mass murderer. I mean, you could be really meeting Jason, Freddie or Hannibal disguised as a nice guy you’ve been chatting with, and when he show’s up to your place, he chops your head off and eats you and your cat for dinner. And I really don’t want that happening to anybody. That just isn’t nice.

So those are the basics of online dating. Any questions?

10/22/2003

CRAZY DAY

Today is just one of those days that has been unusually odd. And it’s all unfolding here at my desk.

First, I got an IM from a chick:
brunettelookin4u: You’re gorgeous. I was wondering if you would be interested in a woman. If not, sorry to bother you.
so_cali_hottie: Thanks for the compliment. But, I don't swing that way.
brunettelookin4u: ok sorry
so_cali_hottie : no prob
so_cali_hottie : no offence taken
brunettelookin4u: ty have a good day
so_cali_hottie: u 2

Then, I get an IM from this psycho girl. I used to date her boyfriend during on of their splits. She would call me when I was dating him and hang up when I answered. Or she’d tell me to stay away from him. One time, I went over to his house and she was there. I saw they were in a heated discussion. They saw me at the door and I turned around and left. Well, she came after me, but he stopped her. So this was our conversation:

crazy_love_4_ever : hello april????
so_cali_hottie : hi
crazy_love_4_ever : how are you doing?
so_cali_hottie : fine. ummmm I don't mean to be rude, but I know who u r. So what do you want?
crazy_love_4_ever : I'm not tring to be rude either, I guess it seems weird that I would care how you are doing. I have nothing up my sleeve, and wish you only well, you can believe that or not your choice, although I will admit some sort of curiosity.
so_cali_hottie : Well, this does seem odd.
so_cali_hottie : I would of thought by now, I'd be way out of your thoughts
crazy_love_4_ever : I have had to do alot of growing this last year, oh you have been,
so_cali_hottie : r u still seeing todd?
crazy_love_4_ever : yes, hard always hard, seems like
so_cali_hottie : I hope you guys are doing good.
so_cali_hottie : and I wish you the best
crazy_love_4_ever : thanks, I thought you were a nice person, I am too, you know how love is though, crazy sometimes, did not mean to be mean to you. you did nothing wrong. anyway you are right this is ODD- wondering now why I said hello,
so_cali_hottie: lol, WEll I am skeptical. Of course. And my first thought is that you have ulterior motives. But I don't know you. So all I can do is speculate. take care.

10/21/2003

THE BEST CARTOON I'VE EVER SEEN




TORN

I’m battling with myself about something. I know what one side thinks and I know what the other side thinks. Of course there are two differences of opinions here. Either way, someone is going to be hurt and I HATE hurting people I love.

10/20/2003

SWEAT UNTIL MY CLOTHES COME OFF

It’s Monday and boy do I have the blues. Not only that, but I’m still recovering from my Saturday night out with the girls. All my friends flaked on me so I just met my sister and her friends at Margaritaville.

My sis and her friends ate at Claim Jumper first and I just stated home and waited for her call. She finally called me at 10:30 to tell me that they were paying their bill and to meet them at Margaritaville. I got there 20 minutes later and started searching the place for them. I’ve never met her friends, so I had no clue what they looked like. I was walking past the bar and these girls said something kind of loud as I passed by. I looked back real quick and I thought they were talking shit. So I gave them a dirty look. I still couldn’t find my sister, so I decided to get a drink while I was waiting for them.

As I was waiting for the bartender to serve me, the same girls that I though were talking shit, came up to me. I was thinking I was going to have to box. The last girl fight I was in was my junior year of high school so I’m kind of rusty. Anyways, she said to me “Did you go to Yucaipa High”? I said “Yes”. Then she asked if I dated Troy. Which I did, for 2 years before I met my (ex) husband. Then she proceeded to tell me that she’s been Troy’s best friend since she was 14. I thought that was funny, because I was with him for 2 years and I don’t ever remember meeting her but she seemed to know who I was.

I got my drink and blew her off. My sister finally showed up and we headed for the dance floor and danced our asses off for the rest of the night. Just when we were going to take a break, they would play another song that we just HAD to dance to. We probably danced for 2 hours straight before finally taking a break. I was so hot and sweaty, going outside and feeling the cooler air was a huge relief.

Sunday, I just hung out with my family. My cousin came to visit for the day. Only my sister can make me laugh as much as she does. We have our inside jokes and something came up in a conversation that was somewhat related to one of our inside joke and the three of us just started laughing so hard that we were crying, and everyone was looking at us like we were weirdo’s. My parents are used to it because we do it all the time. Luckily they didn’t ask what the joke was about. We would have had to say “This is an A B conversation, so C your way out!”

I got to bed last night around 10:30, after my cousin went home. I was exhausted! And now I’m dragging ass. I can’t wait to go home and sleep!

10/17/2003

I LOVE FRIDAY'S!

So it's approximately 9:20 and my day has already started out GREAT!!! First I arrive to work 10 minutes late. I notice the GM's car is not here, so that means I win the bet from yesterday. We all were betting on weather or not he shows up for work today. Then I walk in the office and my boss runs up and says very excitedly "April, Come here I need to show you something"! She whips out the latest copy of Inland Empire Magazine and turns to a page where our pictures are in the magazine. MY PICTURE is in INLAND EMPIRE MAGAZINE! Actually, the picture is with Jerry. So WE ARE IN INLAND EMPIRE MAGAZINE!!! Also featured on the page is my boss, Max (the assistant GM) with his wife and our Operations Manager and his wife. How cool is that?

We were at an ''A Taste of Summer" event that benefited The Volunteer Center of the Inland Empire and as we were walking in, they were taking pictures. I just knew Jerry and I would get in the magazine since we were such a great looking couple together. Seriously. So after oooing and awwwwing over our pictures in the magazine, I was sent out to get donuts for the office!

Tonight my dad's Sister and Brother (aka my aunt and uncle, but I didn't want to write it that way because you would think that it was my aunts husband and it's not) from Vegas, will be visiting for the weekend and I'm totally excited to see them. My aunt is so much fun, she'll even go on the scariest roller coasters with you and take you to the casinos and give you money to play the slots with plus buy you the biggest drink they serve at the casino. Gotta love her.

Tomorrow night is Girls Night Out only we're bringing Tom with us and he's not gay. But I'm sure he'll find more hunny's to hit on at the club. Any girls in So. Cal want to go tomorrow, send me an email and I'll let you know where to meet me. ;-)

I just finished eating my lemon filled donut. You know the kind that has powdered sugar on it. I'm wearing black pants and now I have powdered sugar residue on my pants. It was worth it.

10/16/2003

GROWING UP

When she was born, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Seeing this beautiful newborn baby placed gently on my chest, crying from the new air that has filled her lungs, was by far one of my happiest moments. Every single day I look at my children and try to soak in the people that they are, because tomorrow, they will be another day older. Then before I know it, they will become adults. These are the days that I am dreading. The day that my kids become independent and will no longer rely on me or need me.

My daughter is 10 now, and I can see her becoming more and more independent each day. So my days of her needing me like she did when she was little, are numbered. She’s not a little girl anymore, she’s becoming (as she puts it) a pre-teen. I remember holding my kids as babies and staring at them, wishing that moment would last forever. My little guy is in school now and fights for his independence every day. He wants to do just about everything on his own. Which is great, and I completely encourage him to learn how to do new things, but then it makes me realize how less needed I am as well.

I’ve thought about having another child, but I know that just isn’t possible at this stage in my life. Also, having children, especially a new baby, is completely life altering and very expensive. I think I would only consider having another child if I could do it like when my son was born. I worked for my dad out of his home for two years. My mom was there to help me take care of my son while I worked. It was a perfect situation because I could still work but I also got to spend the most important years of my sons life with him, instead of sending him to day care.

10/15/2003

My Ideal Family

This is my homework assignment from my Therapist. My next appointment is on Friday. I've been thinking a lot about it since he gave me the homework. Which is probabally exactly what he wants me to do. It also makes for a good blog post.

Having my own family is the most important thing to me. My ideal family would be very similar to the one I grew up in. Mom and Dad were married and never argued. I never knew about any kind of financial problems they might be having or any problems between my Mom and Dad. We lived in the same house and I went to the same schools until I was 15, when my Dad’s job got transferred to San Bernardino. I had a very secure and stable home environment.

This is the kind of life I want for my kids and myself. Unfortunately, I made a wrong choice for my “life partner” and never got to have that for my kids or myself. Not that I would take back the last 10 years for anything in the world, because I two very beautiful children out of it. But I didn’t choose someone who was stable.

I think this is one of the reasons why I was so attracted to Jerry. He’s lived in his house for 8 years. He OWNED his house. I’ve rented the entire time I was with Joel, so it was nice to have someone in my life that actually owned a home.

So anyways, back on the subject. I already have the kids; I just need a man to complete my family. At this point, I’m not sure if I want any more kids. I think if I loved him enough and he really wanted a child, and we were married and it felt right, I would be willing to have another kid with him since I love being a mom so much.

My ideal guy would have a career. It wouldn’t matter what he does as long as he made enough for us to live off of, along with my earnings. He would be attractive, a hard worker, caring, giving, affectionate, fun, spontaneous, and love me and my kids unconditionally. He would have to learn how to deal with me without fighting with me, for I can be very emotional and tend to over react. He would also listen to me and value my opinions. If we have a difference of opinion, he would listen to my point but also give me his without getting mad at me (or me getting mad at him, which I really need to work on) for having a difference of opinion. My guy would come home to me every night, that is, unless there was a very important reason why he couldn’t. He would help me with the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.

This “Ideal” man would complete my family. We would live in a nice house, the kids would have their own bedrooms. We would do all kinds of fun things as a family, but me and my man would also have our alone time to grow as a couple. We would be supportive and encouraging of each other’s dreams.

I think I have a lot to offer my significant other. I have all the qualities that I’ve listed above with the exception of the stability. But for now,I’m going to save my money so I can buy a home for me and my kids to live in. Weather it be a mobile home or a house, I want to own the next place we live in. That’s a dream of mine that I’d like to come true. But I know it won’t come without self-discipline and a lot of hard work.

Jerry posses about 97% of the qualities listed above. The 3% that doesn’t work for us is the fighting. I think my biggest flaw is my temper. I don’t know how to argue without getting really upset and wanting to leave the scene. I would push Jerry away when all he wanted to do is love me and hold me when we were arguing. I get so angry I just want to withdraw and run and cry. This is something I need to work on more than anything if I’m ever going to have a healthy relationship with anybody. I don’t treat my kids or my family this way, only my partner. Why is that? Why do I have to get so upset with that person to where I don’t want to be around him, even when he’s trying to calm the situation? I lose all rational thought and I have so much anger inside me, I just blow up. I didn’t learn this from my parents because they never fought. I guess this is why I need therapy.

10/14/2003

THE BEST LICENSE PLATE EVER!

IH8MYEX

Very ballsy of someone to have that as a license plate, but it also made me laugh this morning on the way to work.

NIGHT TERRORS

The kids and I went to Rosa’s for dinner last night. Her boyfriend Chris invited a few of his friends with their kids too. My son was the only boy out of 5 girls. He was so cute because he was complaining that there weren’t any boys to play with.

Rosa made her famous Spanish Rice along with some Mexican stew which I have to say was really spicy, but with tons of flavor. It was sooooo good. In fact, I’m going to invite myself over for lunch to have leftovers. I’m sure I’ll be paying for it sometime today.

During dinner, we watched 13 Ghosts. I really don’t like scary movies because they give me night terrors, which are way worse than night mares. I will literally see people levitating above me or kneeling next to me, watching me in my sleep. Only my eyes will be open. I’ve nearly given my ex husband, Jerry and my sister, heart attacks from screaming in my sleep. And the thing is, I wont wake up right away. Someone has to talk me out of my sleep before I wake up and realize that it’s not real.

It seems as though I get Night Terrors worse after watching a horror movie. My subconscious is more active and has fresh visions of really scary things. Everyone was making fun of me last night because I would turn my head during the scary parts. I never used to be like that. I mean I’ve seen just about every single Night Mare on Elm Street movie, a lot of the Jason movies, and Chuckie movies when I was younger. They didn’t affect me then as much as they do now. So now I try to avoid watching movies like that. It’s just not necessary and if I’m sleeping with somebody, I try to avoid giving them heart attacks with my screaming in the middle of the night because that’s just not nice.

10/13/2003

KARAOKE AND DANCING AND THE MOVIES

I finally got out of the house on Saturday night and went out with my sister and new adopted brother Tom. I really wanted to get out of the house and I had to practically drag Laurie and Tom out with me. But they were glad I did because we had a blast!

We started out at a Mexican Restaurant that has Karaoke. I started out strong with my version of Blondie’s “One Way or Another”. Which is by far my best song. Then I sang and not-so-good version of No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs”. Finally they called me up to sing Madonna’s “Borderline” and I drug my sister up on stage to sing it with me because I just can’t sing any old school Madonna with out her. Well during the song where it says “You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline” Laurie would actually push me. And I would push her back. Then we moved to the hips. She would bump me with her hip and I would bump her back. If you’re familiar with the song, it says “You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline” several times. Each bump would get harder and harder, so by the end of the song, she literally got a running start and bumped me HARD! I went flying across the stage and banged up against the wall which was about 7 to 8 feet from where I was standing. She realized what she did and said “OMG I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bump you that hard”!

Now how would you handle this situation? Would you A. Get pissed and storm off stage. B. Get so embarrassed that you want to hide under the first rock you come across or C. Laugh and say in the mic, “NO MORE MARGARITA’S FOR HER!” Then get up, hug your sister and walk off like a trooper. For me, there was only one way to handle the situation and the answer is C. When it first happened, I think everyone had their jaws hanging down to the floor but then the audience cheered and we walked off the stage like rock stars.

After Karaoke ended at midnight, Tom and Laurie weren’t done partying yet. Which was surprising since I practically had to beg them to come out with me. We went over to Margaritaville, and stood in line for about 20 minutes to get in. Tom didn’t waste anytime hittin’ on the honeys in line. My sister and I headed straight for the dance floor and danced until they kicked us out. I haven’t been dancing in so long, it made me realize how much I miss it.

Guys were trying to dance with me while I was on the dance floor; I wasn’t in the mood to dance with anyone other than Jerry. He was on my mind the entire time while I was singing Karaoke and dancing. We never went to Karaoke while we were together and I was thinking about how much fun it would have been to have him there watching me and cheering me on even though I sucked. Why did that night ever have to happen?

I went to the movies with Tom yesterday and saw Lost In Translation which I personally thought was a complete waste of my time. I think plucking my nose hairs would have been more entertaining than this movie. ½ of the movie was spent watching them try to sleep or watching them sit and say almost nothing. There was no action and very little comedy. I give it a two thumbs down.

Tom on the other hand really enjoyed this movie. He’s been to Tokyo, (where the movie took place) so it was a walk down memory lane for him. Maybe if I’ve ever been to Tokyo, I’d of enjoyed the movie a little more, but I haven’t been there so, I thought it sucked.

Note to Tom (cuz he reads my blog): Please don’t take any offence, it just wasn’t my type of movie and it’s hard to know how good a movie is just by previews and review alone. Thanks for getting me out of the house ; - )

Something happened last night (and not with Tom) that I really can’t talk about on my blog. But the results were wonderful and made me feel so good and I wish I could re-live it night after night, only with more sleep involved. And that's about all your'e getting out of me.

I can’t disclose EVERYTHING about myself. I mean, there has to be some mystery about me right?

10/10/2003

INDULGING

I did a little indulging yesterday and bought myself some jewelry. I’ve never been a jewelry fanatic, but there was a sale and I found this AWESOME ring that I just had to have. So I bought it. And I needed some new silver hoops, and I found the perfect pair, so I bought those too. Buying myself things always makes me feel so much better, well, at least at the moment it does. That instant gratification that comes from self indulgence. I also get a gratification from giving people I love things. I think that is almost a better feeling. But yesterday, it was all about ME! And damn it, I deserve it!

10/09/2003

HOMEWORK

I have an appointment with my therapist today after work and he gave me some homework to bring for this appointment. The assignment was to come up with 10 rules that I live my life by. I don’t know if this is a trick question or what! It took me the entire week to come up with 10. I mean, there are the obvious answers such as “Don’t kill people”. I mean that’s a given right? Right. So here’s what I came up with:

10 Rules Of Life by April

This is a hard one because even though these are my rules, rules are sometimes broken. There can also be exceptions to some rules. So with that said, these are my rules of life:

1. Be a good mom. Which means to put my children first, to provide them their basic needs and do what I can to provide them with their wants, to a point.
2. Be respectful of others.
3. Work hard and play harder.
4. Be honest.
5. Always look nice when going out in public.
6. Be polite. Always say please and thank you.
7. Don’t burn my bridges. You never know when you may need to cross one.
8. Don’t do drugs unless prescribed by a doctor or over the counter.
9. When I make a mistake, do what I can to correct it.
10. Always do my best.

10/08/2003

THE SAGA CONTINUES

Fuck Head called me yesterday to try and get as much info out of me as possible. I wouldn’t tell him shit. I told him that if he was so worried about what was going on then he should of showed up for court. And that it’s not my fault he didn’t show up to defend himself. Then he proceeds to tell me that he’s going to tell my daughter that I’m going to take him away from her and that she’s going to hate me for it. I’ve been suspecting that he’s filling her head with all kinds of bullshit and this just confirms it. He’s totally brainwashing her and he’s going to really screw her up mentally.

I’ve been very concerned about what to do about this because if I do take the kids away from him, then that will just confirm what he’s been telling them. I was talking with Max (one of my co-workers) about it and he told me to tell her that I’m not taking them away from their dad and the ONLY way that that would happen is if HE didn’t want to see them. But she’s always allowed to call him and he’s always allowed to visit them and I would NEVER take them away from their daddy. Which is true. Unless the bastard goes to jail or something.

So I came up with a plan. Spencer’s is selling a Penis Halloween Costume. It’s HYSTERICAL and totally worth the $40. So my plan is to buy it, and send it to Fuck Head with a note that says “I found the PERFECT costume for you. But I think it fits you all year”. That would be so kick ass. And if he ever brought it up in court, could you imagine? I’m sure the entire court would be cracking up! I know I would be.

This morning I went to the courthouse because they said the minutes were ready from yesterday. Well, what they didn’t tell me was that I needed to wait for the court order to be ready as well. So I have to go back for the court order, which really pisses me off since I called yesterday and they made it sound like everything I needed was ready. I drove 40 minutes to the courthouse this morning and when I got there, they only had the minutes ready, but said that the court order wasn’t ready and that I’ll have to call back to find out if they are ready too. So it was a wasted trip since I can’t do anything with the court minutes until I get the court order. I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed! I’ve been trying to call the court all flippen day and all I get is a busy signal. It’s very frustrating!

I’m so mentally exhausted from everything that’s going on with Fuck Head and Jerry, as soon as I got home yesterday, I laid down and took a nap. I slept off and on until 10 pm. I got up just in time to catch the ending of the Joe Schmo Show. I’ll have to catch up on Saturday when they play the re-runs. Then I ate a bowl of soup and went back to bed. It felt so nice just to lay on my bed with my cat and relax. Even though I do miss laying with Jerry and him holding me all night. He would hold me so tight and I would think how lucky I was to have someone who love me so much. I really miss that and I miss his support. It would be so much easier going through all of this with him by my side. Why did all that shit have to happen? Fuck it hurts so bad.

I have another appointment to see my therapist tomorrow. I’ve wanted to call him so many times this week since it’s been so emotionally overwhelming. I’ve only had one appointment so far. This will be my second and I have so much to tell him and to get off my chest. Why does life have to be so hard?

10/07/2003

I’M THE WEINER, UMMMM, WINNER!

It was sooooooo great when I told Fuck Head about court last night. I was actually VERY nice and told him at 6:30 last night. I was thinking about it at the time, and was afraid that I would forget if I waited. This was our conversation:

Fuck Head: “Is everything ok? My mom said it sounded urgent”.
Me: “Yah, everything is fine, I just needed to get a hold of you because we have to go to court tomorrow”.
Fuck Head: “NO, I didn’t get anything in the mail telling me to go to court”.
Me (laughing because this is some funny shit): “You’re not getting a notice in the mail, this is your notice. We have to be at the Hemet Court tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning”.
Fuck Head: “What are you laughing at”?
Me (still laughing): “Oh nothing, I’m with a friend and he’s making me laugh. Anyways, yah there’s court tomorrow”.

So Fuck Head didn’t show up for court today, and that means, I get what I want. Which, I’m not really sure what that is at this point since this is what happened:

The judge called me up (since Fuck Head wasn’t there).

Judge: “I read your statement and I’m going to order in your favor based upon the facts you’ve provided to the court. Take this paper to the Family Law Assistance Center and we’ll schedule you to come back on the 27th.”

And that was it! So I took the paper to the Family Law Assistance Center and they told me to call back later because the court minutes need to be updated so they know what exactly was ordered. I’m assuming that I’m going to get temporary custody of the kids until the 27th. I’ll let Fuck Head have the kids this weekend, because I don’t want my kids to think I’m taking them away from their daddy. That’s not the purpose here. I just want him to know that there are certain things he can and cannot do with the kids, like having them out until past 11 on a school night. I didn’t have to present anything to the court and here I was totally worried about having all my ammo ready. But now, I can say when he has the kids and be in complete control of the situation. Today was a good day.

Oh yah, and I voted today too!

10/06/2003

MOVING REALLY SUCKS

Saturday
was my little guy’s birthday, so we went to Knott’s Soak City in Palm Springs and had a blast. I just love waterslides! And of course the kids love them too. Afterwards, we came home and had pizza and birthday cake. After the kids went to bed, I went to my friend Jason’s party by myself. Which is totally out of my character. I can’t eat in a restaurant by myself, and going to a party where I won’t know hardly anyone there, is not like me at all. But I needed to get out.

I got to the party about 11 pm. After I was there for about 10 minutes, I was ready to go. I didn’t know but 3 people there. One of them was Jason, who was busy playing guitar and singing, and a few of his friends who I’m just barely acquainted with. Then I saw my neighbors who just moved in next door to Jerry. I said hi to them and this girl came up and started taking to me. She hardly knew anyone there too, so we hung out together. Then a group of guys came and hung out with us. They were cool and made sure we always had a full beer.

I got stuck taking to this guy who was 21, and looking to score some cronic. I could tell he’s already smoked some, and was waiting for this guy to show up that was his dealer. This guy went on and on and on, so I looked at this other guy that I met earlier and mouthed to him “help”. He came over and rescued me. I hung out with him the rest of the evening and went home around 1:30. He asked for my number and I told him that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet and he said, “Well, we can go out as friends can’t we”. After a little persuading on his part, I gave in and gave him my number. He said he’d call me later this week.

My sister spent Saturday moving out, then I spent Sunday moving out of Jerry’s place and moving into my parents house. It was very hard towards the end of the packing because I starting thinking about all the good times we had in that house and I haven’t had sex in more than a week now and I’m freaking horny as hell! I went from getting it everyday, sometimes twice, to nothing! So that really sucks. And if you’re even thinking about making me an offer, I’m not going to take it so don’t even try. I’m totally going to have to buy myself a toy. I have to admit, I even considered having sex with Jerry one last time. But I slapped myself out of it because too many emotions would be involved.

My parent’s adopted this guy Tom a few weeks ago. He used to work for my dad, and is now living at my parent’s house. Well, him and my sister helped me move yesterday. Thank God for them! I totally owe both of them BIG time! And thank God my parent’s have a big house.

My ex-husband called me this morning thinking I was at KCAL Radio Station trying to get a set of fake boobs. And I was late for work trying to return the U-Haul, so that made him think it even more. Apparently there’s a girl named April participating and he said she sounds just like me. He said that if that’s what I was doing, he would totally cheer me on. During our conversation, would have been a great opportunity for me to tell him about court tomorrow, but I decided to wait until after work. Buaaahaaaahaaahaaahaa.

10/03/2003

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE GUY

Tomorrow is my little guy is turning 5! Everyday I look at him in amazement and feel so damn lucky that I have such a beautiful, smart, loving child. (Of course that goes for both of them, but right now it’s all about him). With everything sucky in my life, they bring me joy and happiness that cannot ever be replaced.

Tomorrow I’m taking my little guy, and my daughter to Knott’s Soak City in Palm Springs. Then after we come home, we’re going to open presents and have pizza, cake and ice cream with my family to celebrate his birthday.

I really wanted to share with you about how they had to wake my sleeping ass up to give birth, and how easy it was. But I simply don’t fell like it. So I’ll save it for another day.

In other news, I went to see a Therapist today during my lunch hour. Turns out he knows the General Manager of the mall I work for and when I told him that I was having relationship problems, he said, well, I just want you to know I know the GM at the mall and if it has anything to do with the two of you…. I cut him off right there and said “Oh no, nothing like that”. I really liked him and I think he is going to help me. I explained to him about what happened with Jerry and that’s what brought me to see him. He said that even though Jerry had no right to lay his hands on me, I might of done something to egg him on or push his buttons. But emphasized that Jerry was completely wrong for doing that to me. (Which I totally know).

The only person that knew about what happened between Jerry and I (before today) was Bobbie. Earlier I was on my way out to go to the Verizon Kiosk and see about getting the service in my name, I had mentioned it to Max. Then I realized what I said and told him that Jerry and I had split up. Well, I guess while I was at lunch, he went to my boss and asked her if she knew what happened between Jerry and I. I didn’t tell her, so she had no clue what happened. I walked by her office after lunch and she had me come in and told me what Max had said to her. So, I told her the story. She gave me a hug then went out and brought me back two roses with a card that says: “April, Hang in there! We all love and care about you. Terri. “
What a thoughtful thing for her to do. See, I’ve always told you guys that my boss is just AWESOME!!!!!

I didn’t tell her right away because I’m so drama and I’m trying to keep my personal life out of the office. This is an impossible task and I have been very unsuccessful at it. I’m such an open book.

10/02/2003

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES

With everything that has been going wrong in my life lately, I have to find positives on my situation. So I decided to make a list:

· I have an awesome family who may not be as supportive as I need them to be, but regardless, they are there for me anyways.
· I have great friends too. They all are concerned for my well-being and safety and tell me over and over again NOT to go back to Jerry. I really need to hear that, over and over again.
· I’ve regained old friends. When Jerry and I got together, I gave up ALL of my guy friends. Well, they are slowly returning into my life. I had lunch with Jeff on Tuesday and I went to see my friend Jason last night. Jason moved to Hollywood shortly after Jerry and I got together and I’ve only talked to him a few times since. He called me out of the blue yesterday to invite me to his birthday party which is this Saturday. Then after I told him Jerry and I broke up, he invited me to visit him at his mom’s house. He’s staying out here for the week and was having a few friends over. So after the kids went to bed and fell asleep, I hung out with him and his friends until about midnight. It was nice to see him again. We’ve had a lot of great times together.
· I get to spend a lot more time with my sister. I don’t think I’ve seen this much of her all year! It’s great!
· I got a great new hair cut out of it! I’ve had sooooo many compliments on my new hairstyle and not just by people I know, but strangers too!
· I’ve been getting to work on time. This week, I have been no more than 5 minutes late every day. My boss has noticed and said something to me as we were walking out to our cars yesterday.
· I got a court date to finally get everything settled with my divorce, child support and custody. And it’s NOT eight weeks from now, it’s on Tuesday! I couldn’t believe how quickly I get to go to court and finally get this over with. What I submitted in my declaration must have been good enough for them to see that I need to get control over the situation with Fuck Head and show him what’s up. I found out this exciting news yesterday. Now I have to get my ass in gear and get all my shit together before Monday night. Oh yah, here’s the best part, I’m only required to give him 12 hours notice of the hearing. I can call him up at 8:30 Monday night and tell him he’s got to go to court at 8:30 am on Tuesday. How kick ass is that? Only, I don’t think I’ll be that mean. I’ll let him know at least a few hours before that. (Insert evil laugh here). We’ll see if he even shows up.

Now I need to read this over and over and over until I don’t feel so bad about the negatives in my life.

10/01/2003

SUPPORT

Support is exactly what I need right now. And it’s exactly what I’ve been getting. Thank you all so much for everything. You’re emails, Instant Messages, Comments and I even got a dinner invitation! I also got to talk with Allison on the phone yesterday, which was a real treat. She’s the first person here in Blogland that I’ve actually spoken with. Ok, Malisa and April don’t count because I talked with them before I even knew what a Blog was.

Yesterday, was actually a really great day. I went to lunch with my friend Jeff. I used to date him before Jerry. I’ve known him for about a year and we’ve remained friends even though he dumped me to go back to his gold-digging, lying ex-girlfriend. But I understood that he was dating trying to get over her, and I really appreciated his honesty when he told me that he still had feelings for her. I don’t know how we stayed friends after wards, it just happened. He’s a really great guy and It’s unfortunate that he gets treated the way he does. But who am I to talk right?

Yesterday was the first time I’ve seen Jeff since Jerry and I have been together. He’s invited to take me to lunch several times since, but out of respect to Jerry, I couldn’t bring myself to go, even though it was totally innocent. I knew that I wouldn’t like Jerry going out to lunch with another girl, even if they were just friends. So I would never do that to him. I think Jeff and I have stayed friends mostly because it’s nice to get the other side’s point of view when it comes to relationships.

After work, I went to Wal-Mart to get some things and I was on the phone with my best friend Carrie. I was about to go down an aisle when I noticed a very, very tall woman man walk past me. He/She was wearing platform-spiked heels (which added another foot to her his height), see-through white Capri pants with panty lines, a half top, hair pulled back into a pony tail and lots of makeup. I described her him to Carrie and at that moment I was wishing I had a camera phone. It was quite a site to see. I watched her him walk down the aisle and people were laughing just as she he passed by. I don’t live in Hollywood, so I’m not used to seeing this kind of thing. She He is obviously confused, and I hated to see people laughing at him, but she he made a very ugly woman.

Last night I watched the Joe Schmo Show with my family. If you haven’t seen this show I HIGHLY recommend it. This has got to be the funniest show on TV! It’s a fake reality show where everyone is an actor except one guy. Joe Schmo, who’s real name is Matt. They do the most outrageous games that will have you laughing until your sides hurt. Everything is staged and the actors occasionally screw up and forget the lies that they’ve been telling Matt. It’s hilarious to see them try to back track and make up another lie to cover that lie up. Anyways, Joe Schmo is on Spike TV on Tuesday nights at 9 or you can watch the re-runs on Saturdays.

Jerry and I got my parent to watch it for the first time last week and they are hooked. I swear it’s almost like watching a Porn Game show. Last night they had to lick chocolate off of a model to reveal letters that were stuck to her underneath the chocolate and spell a word out of it. Matt, (aka Joe Schmo) went right for the girls boob. I used to get all embarrassed watching this kind of stuff with my parents, but now it doesn’t bother me. I’m sure if I were to watch a sex scene with them, that would be uncomfortable. But they know I haven’t been a virgin for a very long time. And I totally don’t think that my parents even have sex cuz that’s just gross!