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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

7/20/2005

FIGHTING INSECURITIES

For some reason, I have quite a bit of insecurities, and I don’t understand where they are coming from. I fight them all the time, and swallow my feelings, because in my head I know I’m being silly, but still I get that knot in my stomach, so I try to focus on other things instead of misinterpreting what’s being said.

For example:

Last night, David called me while on his way home from The OC. We were just talking about everyday stuff, then the Bachelor Party came up and we started talking about the strippers. I was totally cool throughout the entire conversation, while he was telling me how hot one of the strippers was, not that I minded that, but then he said that she was the type of girl who looked like a stripper, (kind of like Pam Anderson, all fake and everything) that if you brought around your buddies, they be all high fiving you, because you have the hottest girlfriend and you’d be The Man. But all of your friends girlfriends would be haters. Honestly, I want to be that girl that his friends high five because she's so hot. I don't want to look like a stripper, but it would be fun to be the girl his friends want but can't have. (I know, I'm sick).

I’m know I’m a pretty girl, but in no way, shape or form do I look anything like those girls. This is where my insecurities come in. And the fact that David asked me to strip for him the other night when we got busy for an entire hour. Luckily I was drunk at the time (after having a few glasses of wine with my coolest neighbor ever) and didn’t really care how dorky I looked and did a little strip tease for him. Now being sober, it’s an entirely different story. I feel fat (don’t most women?) and awkward.

I can dance just fine in a club where there’s music and alcohol, but stripping is a whole different animal. I can understand him wanting me to strip for him. I’m his fiancé, and he’s a man and men are very visual. But how can I feel comfortable stripping for him, after he’s gone to a Bachelor party where a girl who actually does this for a living, stripped for him. I’d look like an entire goof ball, and the last thing I want to happen is for him to laugh at me for looking like a dork. Plus in the back of my mind, I’d be wondering if he is comparing me to her.

Like I said, these are insecurities that I’m dealing with, and fighting. I don’t want to say something and make him feel as though he can’t tell me stuff. That is a very important part about our relationship that I treasure. I tell him stuff that I wouldn’t even dare to tell any other guy that I’ve been with, and that’s something else that I think about when I’m felling insecure. It can’t be a double standard. Lord knows, I’ve got things from my past that would probably make him feel a little jealous.

I guess what it really comes down to is the fact that I want to be the only girl David fantacises about and it hurts to know that he fantacises about other girls. I know this is impossible, because he's a man and there are millions of pretty girls out there. Girls who are prettier than me, who will do ANYTHING to get attention. I just have to keep myself in check, because I'm the one he loves, the one he gave his heart (and a ring ;-) to. I'm the one who he comes home to everynight and makes feel so very specail with all of his hugs and kisses.

14 Comments:

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Holy crap . . . I will NEVER understand women EVER!!!!!!!

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger appsdshell said...

I don't understand women either Jacob.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger VicBear said...

I hear you! It just blows that we should be these crazy confident women. Hear us roar! But then the insecurities creep on in, and our imaginations go off on wild adventures.
The worst part is that the only thing that will change it is loving, *accepting* and trusting the person in the mirror - just about the hardest thing ever.
Maybe a no sex on stripper nights rule should apply?? ;-)

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger guest said...

Because you’ve visited my blog you have an idea what I’ve been facing, as far as temptation is concerned. Guys will always fantasize about other women and will be tempted at every turn. But don’t fret, that’s just the way we are wired!

We (I) can’t imagine actually giving my love to someone else as long as I am being loved by and can give my love to someone special.

The rest of it, the fantasies and lust, are just something we as men have to deal with. Don’t worry about it. If he screws up and actually falls for the temptations before him then you can start worrying.

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger ocg said...

A-of-all... there will always be someone hotter than us out there (esp here in So. Cal.). There are plenty of guys hotter than David, but you love who you love, and like-wise for him.

Secondly, practice, practice, practice. When no one is around put on a sexy bra and panties, some heels (maybe even thigh high stockings - the sexier you look the sexier you feel!), and turn up the music. Begin to dance in front of the mirror. These strippers have had plenty of practice, and plenty of mirrors to check out their moves in. See how you look doing your thang... and you will be far more comfortable next time, and know which moves you look ever-so-stripesque-doing. (But wine ALWAYS helps!)
Why do you think The Man...and my neighbors... love me? :)

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger appsdshell said...

Great advise OC Girl. Maybe I'll even buy the Carmen Elecetra stripper video. ;-)

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger mal said...

I second OC girl's comments, there will always be some one "hotter". It is irrelevant. At some point it turns from just being about the "physical" part of the relationship to realizing you are best friends too. Do not be surprised to find out your fiance has his own oversized bag of insecurities too. It may be larger than yours

We have been married 24 years and are still discovering more of them all the time

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger mal said...

Jacob, BTW...not understanding us is a very good thing....for us *L*

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger Thomas said...

Don't worry. Us people out in Bloggerland believe that you are a good dancer.

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger peffel said...

First off April you are a beautiful woman. Second off it doesn't matter if his friend's think you are the hottest chick they have seen as long as he knows that you are the hottest chick that he has ever seen.

Muah!!!

Jeff

 
At 7:00 PM, Blogger Sweet Reagan said...

girl, i feel ya on the insecurities. just know that you are not the only one who fights insecurities on a daily basis. you are a beautiful person. based on the last paragraph you wrote, you will be fine. also, men really don't over-analyze things the way we do. if you do a strip-tease for him, he won't be comparing you to anyone. instead he'll be thinking about how great you look, what he's going to do to you when you're done, and why the hell he's spent so much money in strip clubs when he's got the goods at home. also, in the future, he'll now be fantasizing about you instead of the stripper at the bachelor party because now he has a visual of what YOU can do. trust me, i mean it from experience, doing a strip-tease for him will only help you. you'll be his little porn star and he will love you and appreciate you even more. let me know if you need any tips. good luck.

~reagan

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

It's so hard to understand how the most beautiful women are the most insecure. You'd think it would be the other way around.

I had a girlfriend who looked like Jessica Simpson one time, and she required me to call her 4 or more times a day. I couldn't do it, so we didn't last. Beautiful girl, like you, but didn't know it. Too bad.

Keep your chin up.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Truble said...

You, my friend, have no reason to have insecurities.... if anything HE should have them. I'd get the C.E. video... very hot and adds a bunch of spice to your daily *activities*!

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger introspectre said...

Ahh, we all do it from time to time. It sounds like you are pretty well under control, though, so don't fret too much. I tend to be obsessive-compulsive and when you mix that with insecurities you end up with One Crazy Bitch. It's not pretty. It's always worst right before my period. Stupid hormones.
And throwing an insecure fit is even worse. I embarrass myself.

As far as what Dave Morris said- the most beautiful women are the most insecure because they are so "close" to perfect that it becomes some f-ed up obsession to be *the* most perfect woman. I have a friend who is a go-go dancer and looks like a Barbie doll, for real. She's so insecure it's nuts. But men throw money at her left and right and worship the ground she walks on. But still she worries, is she pretty *enough*?
The question is, pretty enough for what? That answer is the root of the anxiety.

 

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