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THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES

You may see things differently, but this is how I view my life.

7/26/2005

RULES FOR ONLINE DATING

Yes I know my man is a keeper. Thanks for your comments and approval. For those of you that have read my blog over the past few years, or even my archives, you know my history of bad luck with men. Both my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend were assholes. I’m talking, if you look up the word ASSHOLE in the dictionary, you will see a picture of FuckHead and WifeBeater right next to each other. You will also find FuckHead’s picture under the term “Dead Beat Dad”.

My theory to find the right guy is go to Laughlin, get drunk at The Tarzan Room in the Golden Nugget, and grab a cute guy who’s standing next to the dance floor. That’s what I did and it worked for me! I used to date online, and trust me, I met plenty of guys via the internet. In fact, I should write a book about it. (Although, I have made several friends because of the internet. Such as Eclectic Blonde . But we didn’t date ;-) )

Some of you may be in the dating scene and I’m sure have tried Yahoo Personals, Match.com, E-Harmony or others, and with the new Hooking Up show that’s out, I thought this would be an appropriate post and hopefully helpful to some of you.

Upon making initial contact with a prospective date, I would definitely do a background check. See if you can get his full name and an address. Run credit, criminal and check references. See if you can get any former girlfriends phone numbers to see if he’s ever given them crabs, herpies, gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other nasty genital disease. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to relay this information to you. Or maybe she was the one who passed it onto him. So you should ask her about that too.

No seriously…. I’ve never done that. At $39.99 a pop, it can get very pricey. But I would recommend it, because I never would have gone out with Wife Beater in the first place. However, some counties do post public records online for anyone to view. Just do a search for your counties court website and do a little digging. In California, Riverside and San Bernardino County’s both post public records. All traffic, criminal, family and civil court cases are posted. All you need is a name. This information is all free!
My very first and most important rule about meeting someone online is to meet in a public place. Preferably in a restaurant for lunch during the work week. I can’t even tell you how many free lunches I got by doing this. Plus it was much safer then having them pick me up at my house and brutally murdering me. Or being committed for an entire evening with someone that lied in their profile and posted a picture of his cute friend but this guy he really weighs 300 lbs and is 5’ 5”, balding and lives with his mother who owns 50 cats, which you can immediately tell, because he smell as though he used cat urine for cologne to impress you that he likes cats.

All I'm saying is be careful who you pick or you could end of dating Wife Beater

Was it wrong to do that? Fuck it.

25 Comments:

At 1:16 PM, Blogger mal said...

Go figure, you never know where you will meet the good ones. I met mine in a bar while we were both on business trips to a town neither of us lived in. Added to it was the cities we lived were half a country apart. The up side of all that? I think it allowed us to decide we were friends before lust had a chance to confuse the issue.

26 years later.......*S*

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger EB72 said...

What do you mean we didn't date????

Oh yeah, I'm straight. So are you. I forget sometimes.

But seriously, jerkjohn's picture is right next to wife beater and dead beat dad's in the dictionary.

Maybe I can get drunk at your wedding in Laughlin and grab a cute guy of my own ... that is, if invited (hint, hint). Just kidding. I do give really great gifts though ...

Sound advice. Gosh, I guess I should cancel my date with the 5'5 300 pounder?? Cat urine, ick.

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

What's wrong with 5'5" 300 pounders? It's what on the inside that counts, right?

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger appsdshell said...

Jacob, chances are, if the guy is 300 lbs at any height, he has issues on the inside.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger ocg said...

So you have met Onion!

:)

Great advice Miss April...

 
At 4:03 PM, Blogger ocg said...

AND I Can't believe you did that...

I LOVE IT!!!!

Asshole deserves it!

funniest thing ever...

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Wombat & Aspen said...

Way to go April!

Violence towards women should be a de-balling offence, but so too should the wearing of that 'stash.

And the electric green hat.

Dude's a loser, but by the looks of it, he's a Village Person-in-the-making too. That must be its own hell, with or without balls.

Which is a good thing.

Wombat

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger midwest_hick said...

Great advice....nothing like a lil common sense.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Ontario Emperor said...

First time I've seen behind a personal...lol.

I met my wife at a Satanic movie. Perhaps I should explain. I was attending a Methodist church and was active in its young adult group, and a woman called the church to find out if they had any activities for young adults. The associate pastor took the call and invited her to the young adult group...on the very night that we were watching a Santeria movie starring Martin Sheen. But all's well that ends well - the associate pastor was best man at our wedding.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Anonymous Law Student said...

I'm running out of energy for the online dating scene. I'm thinking of going to a nice classy bar (like one at one of the local shnazzy hotels) and seeing if I can find someone interesting there to chat with.

Showing that guys picture was insanely awesome. Good job.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger peffel said...

It hurt's to think I have issues by being 300 lbs. I was once 190 lbs and 6'8" and people thought I was anorexic or had aids. So I started eating a little more normal and am now 6'8" 300 lbs. A little out of shape but still a great person. But still great advice on on-line dating. I have met a stalker or two thaaat would drive by my house to see if I was home, and even had to cancel my home phone # so they wouldn't call at 12 oclock to wake me up.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger appsdshell said...

Peffel,

Being 6' 8" and 300lbs. is WAY different than being 5' 5" and 300 lbs. I'm sorry that comment hurt you, but I also hope that you see the difference between the height. I'm sure you look just fine at 300 lbs.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Alice said...

baaahhahahahah i LOVE the post and holy crap i LOVE LOVE LOVE that you posted his profile! whee! this is good advice :-) i too have done a LOT of internet dating, and boy o boy did i have some interesting dates... but then again, i actually met my current boyfriend (of 8 months! that's super-long for me) online :-)

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Chris said...

My advice for internet dating to men.

Ask her the last time she had a "pap smear". If the answer is a blank, confused look, or > 1 year... just walk away.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger freestuff2 said...

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At 6:42 PM, Blogger The Best Cat Trees said...

April, Been looking on the web for the latest information on cat urine odor - saw your site clicked on it.Found this post, maybe not a perfect match - but found it interesting anyway.. off to look for cat urine odor..

 

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